Somewhere Over the Rainbow
by The Smiling Crow
Summary: Is another freaking David! Max crash lands in some weird place that's the product of either a bad LSD trip or one heck of a fever-dream. There, he meets a lot of familiar faces and one blonde freak he'd rather not have seen again. No pairings. AT. ALL. (Post Season 2)
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Hello, everyone!**

 **This is a new fic I wrote to get creative blood flowing again, but I liked how it turned out. My sister and I both enjoyed Rooster Teeth's animated series Camp Camp, so this came to me one night at 2 AM during a bout of insomnia that I wrote the basic outline down in an hour of sleep-deprived mania. The best kind of inspiration!**

 **I hope you enjoy.**

 **Sincerely,**

 **-Crow**

* * *

"MAAAAAAX!"

"Oh, Jesus Christ! I'm so getting fired for this!"

"Oh my God, I see blood!"

"Help me!"

* * *

A boy woke up with a snort.

He shook off the cobwebs of the unnerving dream as he inhaled the sweet, sweet perfume of the nectar wafting from the Mrs. Coffee machine he'd smuggled out of the Counsellor's cabin. He poured it into his favorite "I H8 EVERYTHING" mug and slowly sipped it.

The tent flap moved to the side as Neil walked in. "Hi, Max."

He sent a quick wave in silent response. Neil continued, "So, I was thinking earlier yesterday; I found some cans of turpentine in the Quartermaster's shed. Wanna go set some things on fire?"

Max gave what might almost ( _almost_ ) be a passable smile, "That's what I like about you Neil; first thing in the f*cking morning and you already know what to say." He downed the last of his coffee, "Let's do this shit."

They walked out into the morning sun and watched everyone else start their freeform camp activities, mostly. Harrison had pulled out his 3-ring trick and made them into 5, then 6, then a pretzel… then still a pretzel he kept desperately trying to untangle. Nerris could be heard shouting excitedly as she played her dice-and-cards game alone with some stuffed animals at the top of the "Tower of Nerris the Cute". Preston was busy shouting loudly about some Shakespeare shit or something. Nurf was in the center of it all, lovingly tending to his tomato plants.

Then using said tomatoes to pelt Harrison and Preston under a layer of red mush.

The duo walked over to the edge of the forest where a poof of sea green hair was visible lounging on a branch in the pines.

"Hey, uh, Nikki? You okay?" Neil cautioned. Nikki looked down from her spot up the tree and grinned.

"Oh, hey guys! I was just practicing my warthog impression!" She crouched down further to the branch, ferally glowering.

"A… warthog?" Neil asked.

"Yeah, you know, hanging around trees and stalking jungles and stuff."

"You mean like a puma?"

"A what now?"

"The big cat. Like a lion. Lives in South America? Lounges in trees?" The nerd listed off.

"…You're making that up." Nikki accused.

"I'm telling you it's a real animal!"

"Well, I'm impersonating an animal with tusks! What kind of animal has tusks?"

"A walrus."

"Didn't I just say to stop making up animals?"

Max sighed, "Both of you just shut the f*ck up. C'mon, let's get breakfast before all the shitty unburnt waffles get taken."

Nikki hopped off her perch and Max pointedly ignored his two other friends arguing over genus and species. Soon, Neil would be as bald as his dad if he kept pulling his hair out every time Nikki brought up Nessie or Bigfoot in the argument.

They sat down at the table and pecked around the mediocre food served at camp when the door burst open and David waltzed in.

"Goooood morning campers!" He sang.

Max glowered openly. It should be a crime… no, an unforgivable _sin_ to be _that_ happy _this_ early in the morning.

"Today is going to be chock-full of fun Camp Campbell activities!" He beamed. "Starting with a scavenger hunt around Lake Lilac! And now I'll pass the baton to my Co-Counsellor For-Life, Gwen!"

"Yeah, sure, whatever," The young woman walked in behind him clearly less enthused as she took out several sheets of paper and started passing them around. "Okay, listen up. So, this morning we'll be hunting for the stuff on your sheets. It ranges from rocks to leaves to plants. Do NOT grab any poison ivy again, Space Kid!"

"Yep!" David interjected still smiling. "Let's put our Toxic Plant Identification Camp to good use. And not just because we used the last of the calamine lotion last week!"

"What?!" Neil exclaimed.

Max watched them all walk out of the Mess Hall towards the tower as Neil ranted about nature and the camp. He sighed quietly. Neil still acted disappointed sometimes from this camp. That way was just a road to more disappointment.

So, while the group was spread out as far as the WoodScouts edge of the camp, he could have an entire morning to himself.

Smirking, he walked to the back where he knew the Quartermaster kept all of the pudding cups.

* * *

The large group (sans Max) walked to the edge of the woods where David spun on his heel to address everyone. "Okay, Campers! Everybody got their sheets? We've got two hours to find everything on them, the winner gets a whole week with _double desserts_!" He exclaimed like it was a new Ferrari instead of an extra piece of pie or pudding cup. "Now, when time's up, we'll ring the bell in camp to alert everyone to come back. Are you ready?"

"Uh, David?"

"Yes, Nikki?"

"What're those?"

The group followed her finger upwards. The whole sky was gray and dismal, but the clouds had become poofy and tumultuous. David frowned as they started taking on an unpleasant tint to them and the wind started to pick up.

"Well, Nikki, those are storm clouds. Gwen, did we check the weather alerts this morning?"

Gwen quickly tapped on her phone and blanched as an alert popped up, "Uhhhh… David?!"

Whatever she was about to say was drowned out by a sudden burst of loud wind and a thundering roar echoing across the lake. They ran from the woods edge to see the clouds start to funnel into a large, gray-brown spiral at the lakefront. Trees and nearby bits of various camp supplies were ripped away into the massive whirl of wind.

"OH MY F*CKING GOD!" Neil shrieked. "When the Hell do we have _tornadoes_ this far North!?"

"Quick, kids! Get to the Mess Hall for shelter!" David shouted, herding the terrified children towards the only structure that was certifiably weather-proofed. An art easel flew past and embedded itself into a tree. David shrieked as he had to briefly pose awkwardly to avoid several of Nurf's knives flying by. The remains of a canoe almost knocked out several campers as both halves sailed through the air.

They made it to the base camp in time to see the tornado race towards the very shelter they were going for.

"Get down!" David cried, dropping everyone to lie flat on the grass.

David looked up at the cabin structure and saw a small face in the window. ' _Oh, God no!_ ' He mentally agonized. In a split second he did a mental check of everyone who followed him outside. Gwen. Space Kid. Nurf. Nerris. Harrison. Preston. Erid. Dolph. Nikki. Niel. Ma-

Max.

"MAAAAX!"

He glimpsed the face for just a second before it was consumed by the dust and debris in the tornado.

The other campers looked up as there was a groaning, creaking sound from the structure ahead followed by an almighty sound of splintering. David's heart shattered with the sound. The Mess Hall was destroyed. Max was in there.

Max was dea-

"Look!"

He followed Nerris's outstretched arm upwards.

No. Way.

"Oh, my God." Gwen muttered incredulously.

About 60 feet in the air, and climbing, was the _intact_ structure of the Mess Hall. Flying further and further up into the cloudline.

Glancing down, David saw the splintered remains of the _foundation_ to the Mess Hall, a couple pipes spraying water and some cables sparking dangerously. For once, he really hated Campbell for making a weather-proofed building, but cutting corners on foundation work.

Almost as soon as the building was lost from view, the terrifying Death Funnel dissipated, dropping bits of Camp Campbell in its wake. David scanned the sky furiously for any sign of the large structure holding one of his campers, but nothing came crashing through the clouds.

…

"Oh Jesus Christ, I'm so getting fired for this." Gwen mumbled.

Nikki, still in shock, asked, "Hey, where's Platypus?"

* * *

 **Moments Earlier**

*gurp!*

Alone, Max felt at ease enough to let out a small burp of contentment. Almost seven full pudding cups eaten was a decent start to a morning. He carelessly tossed his last empty plastic cup behind him and started towards the doors to check up on how the other losers were enjoying their 'Camp-tivity' of the day.

"Mwak."

He paused to glance at the platypus lounging lazily on the tabletop. Where Nikki and Neil found that freaky duck-beaver was a mystery to everyone.

"What the f*ck are you looking at," He challenged the non-sentient animal.

"Mwak."

"Eh, whatever you freaky duck-thing." He mumbled, ready to head out.

Suddenly, the windows rattled ominously. Curious, Max walked over to see that the wind had picked up ridiculously outside and the sky was a grim gray-green.

"Hah! Enjoy your stupid scavenger hunt now, Camp Man!" He crowed to himself. It wasn't hard to imagine everyone miserable outside in the brewing storm. Given how long they were out there for, they might be deep enough in the woods that it'll be a hike through the rain to get back. And when they did, he'd be sitting high and dry in the cabin with an 'I Told You So' at the ready.

Then the wind ripped away the tents a few feet away…

Including his own.

"F*ck you, Karma."

His salty bitterness at the Universe's idea of "balance" was put on hold when he saw the group of campers and two counsellors running across the camp grounds. He stared as David and the others started dodging flying debris that normal wind should have no reason to carry; canoes, branches, even one of Preston's theater props.

They were running fast towards his location and the rattling and howling wind got worse with each second.

Then, suddenly, they just all dropped to the ground as low as they could get.

"What the f-"

The wind roared outside and he pressed his face against the window.

An enormous wall of grey-brown dust, dirt, debris, and wreckage was spiraling towards him. He felt himself pale in disbelief and (for the first time since Spooky Island) abject terror.

"Maaaax!"

He heard David's faint shout over the howl of the weather. By then, his entire vision as obscured by the wall of dust rocking the entire building.

' _Imgonnadieimgonnadieimgonnadie_.' Repeated as a mantra through his head as the building started creaking. There was a small bit of resigned acceptance like when he was ready to be flayed alive by the Quartermaster in the forest, but this wasn't some asshole human's fault. This was nature ready to splat him like a fly versus a magazine.

Admittedly, not much ran through his head besides that. There wasn't much 'if only I did this' or 'I want more time to do that'. He's only 10, after all.

Well, maybe more time being a shit to David would've been worth it-

*CRACK!*

The entire floor jolted sideways and the boy felt himself being tossed around with half the furniture barely missing him as the building started rocking. He landed himself by the window and hazarded a peek out.

The dust hadn't cleared much, but he could make out the ground-

-way down there.

The impossibility of it weighed down on his brain. He and the Mess Hall were currently hundreds of feet in the air and he was inside it ready to crash on the ground. Mother Nature wasn't using a magazine anymore, this was a f*cking shotgun.

The Mess Hall started spinning like a washing machine, pressing him against the wall along with the tables and benches. He absently thought Space Kid would have a blast, shouting about 'Feeling the G's' the entire time.

He, though, could feel his face starting to turn green and his stomach bubbling unpleasantly. "Oh, God, my last regret is the pudding. Of f*cking course it is."

Then the ride suddenly slowed to a stop, causing a bizarre sensation of weightlessness before his stomach dropped like a roller coaster along with the rest of the building.

He didn't cry.

He didn't scream.

It wouldn't have helped.

All that mattered was that the place was going down.

Down.

Down.

Do-

*CRASH!*

* * *

 **AN: This was mostly purely for my own entertainment, so I put in a few Easter Eggs for other shows, some slightly obscure, some more obvious. But I want to see if anyone gets them before I post them in the last chapter.**

 **I hope you enjoy the fic!**

 **-Crow**


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Second chapter for the day! Woot!**

* * *

Max's eyes scrunched against the bright, cheerful sunlight streaming in. He groaned and absently made to flip off the source of light as though it would make any difference. He heard scuffling and scurrying as something (or someone) got closer to his position.

He cautiously opened his eyes.

And stared deeply into the soulless, black eyes boring into his own.

…

"Mwak."

"Get off of me!" He tossed the platypus aside. The marsupial hopped on its tail, hissing and brandishing its poison-tipped hind legs before resorting back to laying lazily on its stomach.

"Whatever, dipshit." He mumbled, walking towards the door. He eyed the damage around him. The tables and chairs were beyond repair and surprisingly the windows and walls were all intact despite what was probably a massive drop.

He finally stepped out of the main doors, blinking in the harsh sunlight as he surveyed-

"What the actual F*CK!"

This was not Lake Lilac; Hell, this couldn't even be Earth!

The sky was a cheery bubblegum pink and cotton candy blue with wispy white clouds drifting by. He was surrounded by houses in the brightest pastels and purest whites with little accents that almost made it like a gingerbread house with icing. The plants were unnaturally green without a hint of any yellowed leaves and the surfaces were glossy like glass or sugar candy. The flowers were candy-bright colors and bizarre mixes of stripes, streaks, and polka dots in every shade of the rainbow.

Then there were the 'locals'.

"Dolph?!"

There were an _army_ of tiny Dolphs.

They were big-eyed and rosy-skinned with swirly, ridiculous haircuts that looked more like prosthetics than actual hair. They came were about chest-height to Max (so barely shorter than the real Dolph). They wore everything from robes, trousers, suits, to even dresses. All in the same bright and painfully cheery color palate as the rest of the place.

The one nearest him replied. "Nein, good sir! I am Schnitzel! Ve are der Liliputs!"

"Lilli-puts?" He mimicked.

"Jaja! Und ve have much to celebrate!" The tiny Dolph (Schnitzel) jumped up and clicked its heels together causing an enormous round of applause to sweep across the whole village.

"Uh, why?"

"Because you have arrived!" Another mini-Dolph answered. "It is wunderbar!"

Cynicism immediately took Max's brain down dark paths. "Ummm… Okay, is this the part where you eat my face off? Or throw me in some f*cking volcano?" The cheers died down to confused murmurs. "If that's the case, then let's get it over with."

He held his arms out, waiting for the restraints and the long march to some probably-candy-themed Guillotine in the town square.

"Look, The Good Witch approaches!"

He opened his eyes as the cheers renewed themselves and followed the townspeople's excited pointing to an object in the sky. He peered at it until it came into view, it looked like a giant floating soap bubble. From the distance, he heard a faint echoing voice singing.

" _And have adventures everyday-_ "

"Oh, Jesus Christ, No!" Max wailed, grabbing his hair.

The soap bubble approached closer and closer to the collection of Liliputs. " _I know it sounds hard to believe~! But guy's and gal's it's_ -"

Suddenly the surface of the bubble popped on a weather vane. A shrill, feminine screech resounded through the square as a lanky figure fell into the street.

The figure slowly got up-

"No." Max whispered.

It looked around-

"No!"

And beamed happily.

"F*cking No! Why?!" Max cried angrily. "What are you doing here, dipshit?! Where did you get a f*cking magic bubble? I knew it! I actually did die in the fall! And now I'm in Hell!"

"Stranger, I know you are unaccustomed to our lands, but that's very rude language in these parts." The tall, lanky David look-alike frowned momentarily before smiling again. He was wearing a long salmon-pink robe (the one wearing them frequently argued that it was not 'rose-pink' or 'sugar-pink' it was 'salmon-pink' with 'tickle-me-pink' accents and it was _most certainly not a dress_ ) and a small _crown_ ("not a tiara!") of sparkly white diamonds vaguely in the shape of a tiny Native American headdress. In his hand was a small wooden stick that looked like a shrunken version of the stupid Staff of the Sparrow from the bonfire.

He cleared his throat and started speaking. "Now, I am the-"

"Der Good Witch David!" A Lilliput exclaimed.

David winced. "Er, no, guys, I'm not-"

"Der Good Witch!"

"Praise _her_ wisdom and kindness!"

"Hurray for _she_ who brought peace!"

David sighed helplessly as he turned away from the cheering mini-people. "Ignore them, I'm the Good _Warlock_ David."

"Yeah, how's-about I keep calling you Witch?" Max snarked happily. David groaned before perking back up, if with a tiny bit of a forced smile as the Lilliputs kept praising 'her' accomplishments.

"Well, Stranger-"

"Max."

"I'm sorry?"

"My name is Max."

David's grin widened exponentially, "Well, that's wonderful, Stra- I mean, Max! Everyone, this is Max the Liberator!" He proclaimed to the tiny people causing another round of cheers.

"Wait, what? The Hell did I do?" Max shouted over the celebration.

"Your arrival has now freed the Lilliputs and the surrounding lands from the clutches of the Witch of the East! The third-most evil Witch in the Land of Oz! You are her vanquisher!"

Max protested. "Hey, I may talk up a big game, but I didn't kill anyone-"

"Hey, I'm still alive down here!"

"HOLY SHIT!"

Max's attention was drawn to a figure half-crushed under the camp's Mess Hall. She wore a black robe and the stupidly-cliché black witch's hat from what he could see, given that her lower half was still under the house. But her face-

"Gwen?!"

"Oh, you do know her!" David said cheerily. "Max, I'd like you to meet my Neighboring witch, Gwen the Peeved of the Eastern Lands!" He waved a hand down at the witch, who flipped him off with her free hand.

"Uh, sorry for crushing you?" Max ventured. Normally he didn't apologize for shit, but dropping a house on someone seemed like something worth it.

The witch under the building squirmed angrily, "Yeah, sorry's not gonna do it kid! I'm a powerful witch, here! If you think I'm just going to sit here for the next five minutes you'd better think again! You hear me!? I'm- Ooooh."

Max took the opportunity to quickly go inside, pull out Gwen's iPad and set it up in front of Witch-Gwen's face. The second Infinite Netflix was on, the announcer shouted through the speakers.

[ _We now return to; Prison Mom Wars!_

 _'My baby's gonna shank yours, bitch!'_ ]

The Witch's pupils grew enormous as she soaked it in. "Oh my God! I have no idea what this is, but I love it!"

David glanced at the now placated Eastern Witch and grinned. "Great! Well, that went better than I thought it would! No messy violence or anyone shriveling into dust!"

"Yeah, whatever Witch-man." Max grumbled. "So, _that_ is the 3rd most evil person in this place?" He pointed to the zombified young woman drooling over trashy TV violence.

"Yeppers! I'm the least evil in the land of Oz, but given there's only a four of us right now, it's not much of a contest." He admitted. "Then, there's Miss Priss of the South. But she's usually pretty… um… 'busy' to be much of a threat."

"What do you mean 'busy'?" The younger asked.

"She… tries to look younger than she is." He admitted. "Lots of beauty spells and stuff… and some substance abuse, but I applaud her dedication to her personal upkeep." He tried spinning a positive on this woman towards the end.

"That bitch is 5000 years old," Witch-Gwen called out from under the house. "She's waaaay beyond Elderweed cream treatment by now."

"Her assistant is pretty diligent these days." David countered.

"You mean the fashion-creep, 'Can-I-Make-Your-Skin-Into-A-Dress' Jen? Yeah, that Witch is a few ingredients short of a potion." Gwen replied, tuning back into the next episode.

Max turned back to the Warlock-Witch, "And the last one? Witch Number 1 on the Evil Scale?"

"Well…" David hedged.

"LOOK!"

In town square, there was a sudden eruption of black and purple flames as a lone figure rose from the darkness. Its smile was like bleached bones. Its form was lanky like a spider. Its eyes glowed an icy blue. Its hair like dying grass.

The flames died down to reveal-

"YOU!" Max shouted.

"Hello, Maxwell." Said the calm voice of Daniel.

* * *

 **AN: Happy Halloween everyone!**


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Next Chapter! Woot!**

 **-Crow**

* * *

"How did _you_ get here, you f*cking cultist freak!" Max accused.

"Cultist? You have me mistaken, my friend. I am the Warlock of the West." Daniel replied, brushing off his blindingly white robes to remove the soot from his fiery entrance.

"Yeah, right! Last I saw you, you were on your way to Sleepy Peak General for a stomach pump and toxicology lesson two weeks ago!"

"Um, Max?" David interjected, "I'd hate to disagree with you, but he's right. Warlock Daniel's been around for a couple hundred years."

"What?!"

"Stop shouting, Jesus Christ!" Gwen roared, already picking up Earth-Swears, "I gotta know if Maria and Shaniqua get extended sentences or not!"

…

"Let's keep this civil." Daniel said calmly. "I wanted to be one of the first to greet young Maxwell to the _Wonderful_ Land of Oz."

"Well, isn't that great?" David said happily.

"Now that that's out of the way; I'd happily accept your immortal soul in the name of Zeemuug the Destroyer." He chirped, holding out a rolled-up piece of parchment with an ominous 'Sign-Here' line at the bottom.

"What?! Ow!"

Max jumped a foot in the air as he felt something like an electric jolt zap his backside. He turned and glared at Witch-Gwen whose fingers were still dissipating electricity. She sent him a quick 'I'm-Watching-You' sign and turned back to the iPad.

Still fuming and rubbing the sore spot, the 10-year-old grumbled in a lower tone, "Yeah, not happening, freak."

"Oh, I'm sorry you feel that way. Luckily, I made a back-up plan!" Daniel sang. Red lightning danced around his eyes as he stared at Max.

' _Do it!_ '

Max gripped the sides of his head, feeling like his brain was trying to escape his skull.

' _Sign the contract!'_

 _'Do it!'_

 _'Be not afraid!'_

 _'Welcome Zeemuug into your existence!'_

 _'Pledge yourself!'_

Max was dimly aware of the horror as his arm moved on its own to pick up the jet-black quill from Daniel's fingers and move towards the parchment. "No," he grit out through clenched teeth. "Stop. It! You! F*cker!"

Just as the quill-tip was about to touch the line, it erupted in red sparks and Max was blasted backwards one direction and Daniel the other. The quill and parchment turned to ashes instantly.

"What?! How can that be!?" Daniel exclaimed. He glared at the boy and his ice-cold eyes widened. "You! How did you get that!" He jabbed a finger at Max.

Max followed his finger to… "You mean my hoodie?"

"Is that what it's called?" David asked, "Well, it seems that you have no power over Max, Warlock! Not so long that he has his Hood-Dee"

"Yeah," Gwen called out from the ground, brought back to reality by the more-interesting conflict happening in front of her. "Basically, kid. He can't touch you so long as you have that thing."

"Seriously?! It's a f*cking hoodie! My parents got it for, like, five bucks at the flea market!" Max exclaimed, gesturing to the ratty, blue clothing.

"It'll make sense later, kid. Trust me." Gwen replied calmly. Max raised an eyebrow before turning to a now suspiciously quiet and contemplative Daniel.

After a few seconds of tense silence, the cultist-lookalike smiled, "Very well, Max. I concede this battle to you. But the war isn't over just yet. I'll bide my time, but the next time I see you, I'll have that Hood-Dee and your soul in my clutches!

"I'll get you my pretty and your little… duck… puppy… thing, too!"

"Mwak."

Max flinched at the sudden presence of the platypus next to him. Daniel cackled dramatically as he swooshed around the village, terrifying the little Dolph people before vanishing in a column of sulfurous flames.

"Phew! Well I'm glad that's over and done with, right Max?" David exclaimed happily.

Max scoffed, "Whatever, Witch-man! It's not like you were any f*cking help."

"What do you mean?" David asked dismayed.

"Hello?!" The boy shouted incredulously. "You didn't notice he was using his weird mind-powers to get me to _sign away my f*cking soul?! Are you f*cking shitting me?!_ "

David sighed at the fuming human in front of him. "I'm sorry, Max. But he's too powerful. I couldn't do anything to help you and even then, I'm honor-bound to not attack him unless in an act of actual war between our regions. Which isn't something that's happening any time soon."

Max huffed angrily, "Great, that's just great. So the only reason I'm not some soulless zombie right now is because of my shitty hoodie."

"Oh, Max, it's not all that bad! I bet you could find lots of fun things here in the land of Oz! Oh, oh, you could go see the Wizard!"

"The Wizard? You have a f*cking wizard?"

"Yes! The Wonderful Wizard of Campbell!"

"Wait," Max backtracked, "This place is called _Oz_ ; why isn't he the Wizard of Oz or some shit?"

"Weeellll, (besides blatant copyright infringement) the last Wizard did go by that title. But the last I heard, Ozpin hasn't been seen too much these days. I think he said something about making a school out near the Badlands of the West. Or was it Grimm-wastes? Dark-lands?"

"Yeah, The Wizard of Campbell kinda took over after that. Don't know much about him, only that the last wizard left him in charge." Gwen called out, now retreating back into the next season of _Amish Housewives_ (" _We now return to last season's exilerating conclusion!" "Last I heard, old Jedediah's been churning the butter, so to speak, with Mary in the barn we built today" "I found Henry had a book hidden beneath his bedsheets today! It had pictures of girls…with ankles showing!" "We now return to this next exciting season premiere!"_ ).

"So, what's so great about him?" Max asked.

"Well, no one's gotten him to do it so far, but they say he can grant you any wish you want!" David exclaimed.

"Any wish, hm?" Max's devious mind whirred with the possibilities. First and foremost, getting the f*ck away from this nuthouse. Then, anything else. Everything else! Incredible superhuman powers. An awesome badass monkey tail! Subjugation of humanity to tend to his every whim! ALL-YOU-CAN-PLAY VIDEO GAMES!

"Um, Max?"

Max was snapped out of his revelry by David's concern, realizing his mouth had twirled into something admittedly way more sinister than an average 10-year-old-could produce. He cleared his throat, reverting to his bored neutral expression, "So… any wish I want?"

"Possibly!" David chirped.

He shrugged, "Cool, how do I get there?"

"Oh, that's easy!" David said, "Just follow the yellow mulch trail!"

He pointed at the ground on the edge of the square. Sure enough, there was a trail of mulch and gravel all tinted yellow leading off into the distance. "Just stay on the trail and you'll find yourself at the _glorious_ Chartreuse City!" He spun in place as he said it. "Where you might meet the Wizard, himself." The look of absolute admiration almost made Max hurl where the tornado hadn't.

"Great. Yeah. Well, so long losers. I'm just gonna go along my way. A minor. All alone."

"Oh, not alone!" David exclaimed, "You still have your friend!"

"My friend?" Max turned confusedly and saw a cluster of worried-looking Dolph-people backing away from a hissing platypus. The animal quickly reverted to its bored, lazy default mode the moment they were all out of its range. "Fine. Get over here, you weird freak of nature."

The second he started towards the creature, it sprung on its tail again, brandishing poison spurs, before waddling quickly into the forest.

"Fine, then! No one f*cking wanted you anyways!" Max shouted after it, a bit stung at abandonment.

"Well… I guess you could just-"

"Look at vhat I have found!" A Dolph-Clone cried out from some wreckage strewn around the town square. A conglomeration of Lilliputs huddled the one and 'ooh'ed and 'ahh'ed at what he held. David strode over the crowd and took a glance.

"This is perfect!" He exclaimed. Picking up the object and walking over. "This can be your companion!"

He held out a small raggedy bundle of cloth.

Max gasped, "Mr. Honeynuts! I thought I'd never see you again!" His eyes watered slightly as he hugged the worn stuffed toy tightly.

"So, are you ready to go, Max?"

Max didn't bother answering, instead he just huffed and walked down the road, Mr. Honeynuts clenched to his chest.

He turned as he heard the commotion of excited Lilliputs behind him. The tiny Dolph-like townspeople were cheering wildly and as one unified village had given him their gesture of farewell;

A slightly raised right hand in a perfectly straight line.

"Even in this world, huh?" Max muttered. He heard the tiny voices in the distance picking up in some disgustingly perky song.

" _Oh, you're off to see the wizard!_

 _The wonder Wizard of Camp_

 _We hear he is a whizz of a Wiz_

 _And a mighty fine manly champ._ "

He gratefully went over a hill, muting whatever the rest of that song was. Odds are, whoever this "Wizard" was, he'd commissioned it himself. And he was probably an asshole.

He hugged Mr. Honeynuts close to himself as he continued journeying further and further down the road to the Unknown.

* * *

 **AN: I know it might not be the ruby slippers, but not everything is as it seems. As Gwen the Peeved said, it'll make sense later.  
**

 **For those wondering, I don't like throwing around the f-word, speaking or writing, so I always use f*ck instead... though when it matters, I'm not as opposed to the censoring. You'll see.**

 **Thanks for reading!**

 **-Crow**


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: New chapter and the first companion! Guess the song!**

 **I wanted to admit this early, but I'm kind of a sucker for Dadvid stuff (fics where David adopts/cares for Max like a son). So, later on, some interactions might be influenced by that, just in case it seems a little OOC.  
**

 **Oh, and I'm telling you now, if you didn't see the summary, there is nothing of the "Camp-Camp-ship-that-shall-not-be-named" in this fic. I _..._ just... God, I just don't write that stuff, okay?**

 **Anyways, I hope you enjoy the fic!**

 **-Crow**

* * *

Hours later and Max grudgingly had to thank David (Earth-David) for taking them on so many hikes. Living a pretty sedentary life back home, he'd probably be exhausted by now. Plus, he'd been finding clean water, berries, nuts, and a couple dandelion leaves along the road using Toxic Plant Identification Camp.

He was now far outside city limits to the nearly-endless expanse of cornfields. Aside from the occasional 'caw' of a crow somewhere in the field, the road was desolate and empty. He'd figure more people would be traveling, but no such luck.

No one to give a clue where he was or where to go.

No maps or directions available.

Plus, his feet were starting to ache.

His legs were sore.

And the gum-drops-and-fairy-dust cheery atmosphere was getting to him.

So, naturally, when he hit a fork in the road that went two opposite directions but were _both f*cking YELLOW_ , he kind of flipped his shit.

"Follow the yellow mulch trail!" He shouted to the sky, "That was f*cking it! No 'go North' no 'go South', just 'follow the f*cking yellow trail! Well they're both yellow, asshole!"

He drew in a long breath-

"F**********************CK!"

Crows cawed miles away from the disturbance.

"Hey, can you keep it down there?"

Max started suddenly and whirled around to see a scarecrow with a wooden pole shoved up his-

"Hey, did you hear me?"

He jumped back as he realized the scarecrow itself was talking, but not only that it's face was definitely familiar.

"Neil?!"

"Don't know about that, I'm just called Scarecrow. But, Neil does have a nice ring to it." The scarecrow considered. It looked just like Neil down to a lumpy patch on his face resembling the Earth lookalike's nose and an enormous floof of brown yarn-hair arching upwards like his friend's.

"Um, 'kay?" Max cautioned.

"So, you headed to the Wizard?" Neil asked.

"How did you-"

" _Everyone_ who comes this way is on their way to the Wizard, but nobody sticks around long enough to talk to. It's always 'gotta get to the Wizard', 'gotta get my wish', no time for some loser scarecrow with a royal pain in his a-"

"Kay, yeah, great," Max interrupted. "So, you know the way to this Emerald City or whatever?"

"It's the Chartreuse City, actually." Neil-Crow interjected. "It's an easy mistake, seeing as both are green, but Chartreuse is lighter with more yellow tones and Emerald is typically darker along the lines of forest green."

"Yeah, didn't ask for an art lesson, Neil. I would've asked one of the Dolph munch-lings or whatever they were."

"Oh, sure," Neil-Crow shouted, "No one has any time for whatever the Hell the Scarecrow has to say, I mean, we're all the same! 'Dumb as the post they're stuck to'! 'Straw-for-brains'! 'Earwig food'! I've heard it all, but did it ever occur to you that I might actually have some level of intellect?! No!"

"Uh, I never said-"

"It's always the same! All I've ever wanted was my own place! Far from nature, far from this shitty field and these sons-of-bitches crows! That's all, really. I just want a laboratory with beakers and chemicals and computers and, and, and doors!" He sighed wistfully.

Then, from nowhere came a musical buzzing completely out of place for a cornfield. Max tried discerning the source.

Then Neil-Crow started singing.

 _" **Well here we are again.**_

 ** _It's always such a pleasure._**

 ** _Always seeing the same_**

 ** _Crows and corn._**

 ** _._**

 ** _One day they stuffed me up_**

 ** _And stuck me to a wood pole_**

 ** _Now I am wishing_**

 ** _I had never ever been born._**

 ** _._**

 ** _You want directions_**

 ** _Fine then!_**

 ** _That's what I'm counting on;_**

 ** _You think your short, sad life is bad-_**

 ** _I just want mine to be gooonnne._**

 ** _…_**

 ** _…_**

 ** _I've always wanted to_**

 ** _Be in a laboratory_**

 ** _With beakers of slime_**

 ** _And test tubes too_**

 ** _._**

 ** _One day they woke me up_**

 ** _So I could live forever_**

 ** _It's just a shame that_**

 ** _I'm here wasting my time with you_**

 ** _._**

 ** _You want directions_**

 ** _Fine then!_**

 ** _That's what I'm counting on;_**

 ** _You think your short, sad life is bad-_**

 ** _I just want mine to be gooonnne._**

 ** _I just want to leave and be gone._**

 ** _I just want to leave and be gone!~_** _."_

…

Max glanced around, the music had stopped. "Uh, cool song, dude?"

"Song? What song?"

"Nevermind."

Neil sighed, "It's just _so hard_ to find other people who share my love of testing! It's so horrifying living here in the cornfield. I don't even want to remember the Potato Incident." He shivered. "If I had my own lab, you know what my days would be like? I'd just test things. Nobody'd mock me. Or put my consciousness in a potato. Or feed me to birds. I'd have a pretty great life."

Then he became utterly enraged, "But I'm never taken seriously enough for things that are _obvious fact_! No, it's not 'magic' when a flower decides to bloom in Fall; it's Nature's way of offing the plant for being too slow to pollinate! No, a rainbow isn't a pathway to the 'Fairyland of Flowers and Petals', it's a f*cking refraction of light! I'm surrounded by MORONS!"

"Woah, chill Neil." Max tried.

"No, I will not 'chill'! The most 'chill' I get is in Fall and Winter when _I'm stuck on this f*cking pole_!" Neil rocked angrily on his wooden staff.

*snap*

"Woah!" Max backed up as the scarecrow fell face-first into the mulch.

Neil-Crow looked up, pulling out the pole and staring at it incredulously, "I'm out. Hahahah! I'm out of here, you motherf*ckers! O-U-T! Gone! Hahahaha!" He danced a little jig in place and rounded on one of the crows pecking at some corn kernels on the road.

"And this is for All Summer!" He took a swipe at a nearby crow, but the crow flew off cackling and Neil flipped over from momentum and landed face-first again.

"That never happened!" came Neil's muffled voice.

"Got it," Max replied evenly. Neil got up and brushed himself off, still a little manically excited, "So, what're you going to do now that you don't have a pole in… uh…"

Neil-Crow grabbed him by the shoulders, grinning widely and with the same eye-twitch he'd had the morning after Harrison's Barf-Up-Magic-Props trick, "I'm coming with you!"

"What?!"

"Yeah, I don't believe in Fate or whatever, but it's a sign! I'm free and someone is heading to the Wizard in less than five minutes apart from each other! I'm gonna go there and wish for my laboratory! Soon, the world shall kneel before Neil! Ahahahaha!"

He grabbed Max's hand and started walking determinedly on the right-fork of the road. Max glowered as he was being dragged away with Mr. Honeynuts in tow, unable to escape the scarecrow's iron-like straw grip.

"F*cking. Why?" The human grumbled.

* * *

 **AN: Thank you all for reading!**

 **-Crow**


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: New Chapter, New Companion! Yay!**

* * *

Max had managed to escape the grip of the scarecrow and was plodding along beside the somehow-animate object. He'd be willing to bet the Real Neil would be having a near-asthma attack by now from all the walking, but given that the Living-Scarecrow-That-Doesn't-Believe-In-Magic had no internal organs, cells, or functional brain, it didn't need to breathe.

He stuffed Mr. Honeynuts into his expansive hoodie pocket to avoid him getting dirty, lost, or stolen. Plus, Neil had asked about it and he had to lie and say it was a protective spirit-animal or some shit. The scarecrow had enough brains to not believe it, but enough common sense to realize Max didn't want to talk about it.

They had exited the fields and got to the outskirts of the charming countryside. The berry bushes and dandelion leaves gave way to a moderately dense forest with sparse log cabins every now and then that strongly resembled smaller cabins around Camp Campbell.

*grumble*

Max clenched his stomach as hunger took hold again. The pudding was ages ago and the sparse foraging wasn't enough to keep up the calories lost walking all day. Neil (having never needed to eat) tried offering him bark, explaining how 'if prepared properly, it's a powerful source of fiber'.

They kept walking, going deeper and deeper into the woodlands until-

"Hey, look Max!" Neil exclaimed, "Apples!"

A couple gnarled old apple trees were bunched together in a grove off the side of the road. Even from there they could see bright red apples dotting the foliage. Max eagerly ran over there and jumped in place for any low-hanging fruit. "Uhn! Uhn! I can't reach! Neil, get over here so I can hop on your shoulders."

Neil cautiously allowed Max on top of his shoulders, adding significant height to the smaller-than-average 10 year old. "Um, you sure that's safe?"

"Don't pussy out on me, Neil." Max argued, grunting as he reached for a fruit.

"What do you think you're doing, sonny?!"

Surprised, Max fell backwards, topping over Neil with the off-balanced movement. They looked around and Max saw nobody there. No old, cranky farmer ready to run after them with a shovel or something.

"Over here, you whippersnapper!"

Max blinked as he realized the _trees_ themselves were the ones making that noise. What's more, the bark in the trees was distinctly in the faces of the two grumpy old guys rocking on the porch of Sleepy Peak that one time he followed David into town.

"You kids these days are so spoiled! Going up to innocent trees and just _taking_ what you want, with your fancy mirror-phones and Inter-fishnet. Back when I was sprouted, we sent carrier pigeons and we _liked it_!" The taller grump shouted.

"You aren't that old, Herb! Quit lyin'." The stouter grumpy tree argued.

Max sighed loud enough to break apart the fight before it started, "Look, can we get some apples or not?"

"You brat! We've got our quota to fill!" The taller one snapped, "Can't go about giving them to any old whippersnapper on the trail!"

"So, what are you gonna do about it?" Max challenged.

In response, the branches at the trees' sides separated and pulled down two apples from their foliage, "We're gonna pelt you with apples! See how you like it!"

Neil raised an eyebrow, "So… you're gonna keep your apples… by throwing them away…?"

The two trees looked at one another frowning dejectedly at his iron-clad logic. Max scoffed, "Yeah, whatever." And he climbed up the bark, using the trees' mouth as a foothold, causing it to grumble as he took a couple apples from both trees for the trouble they caused.

Pockets stuffed with produce, he waved goodbye to the fuming and grumbling trees behind them, crunching on a somewhat ill-begotten apple.

* * *

After a few miles, Max finished his latest apple and tossed the core into a nearby bush.

"AHHHH! Foreign contaminant obscuring vision!"

They shouted in alarm as a small figure erupted from the bush with apple mush all over a glass dome on its head. The figure flailed aimlessly around the trail before bashing face-first into a tree and knocking itself backwards.

When it didn't get back up, Max and Neil shared a glance and walked up to it.

"Uh, you okay?" Neil questioned.

"Never better!" the voice chirped, muffled and echoed from inside the dome.

Neil tore off a spare piece of scrap from his baggy scarecrow clothes, "Here, let me help you out."

He slowly wiped away the white mush on the figure's face-

"Thank you, friend!"

"AIEEE!"

Neil shrieked and jumped away from the figure.

"Neil, what's wro- OH, JESUS H. CHRIST!"

Max and Neil stared in stunned horror at the figure they'd just helped. It was a kid about their age (or Neil's appearance-age) in a white sealed suit that looked clunky and clumsy. But above it was a glass dome/helmet containing the face.

The... _dismembered_ … bits of face…

The figure inside had a pair of upper and lower dentures floating in mid-air with pearly-white teeth clashing. A detached slimy, slug-like red tongue was floating behind them. A couple detached ears drifted around aimlessly, taking in sounds on all sides.

And a pair of wide, hazel eyes staring back at them, optic nerves drifting into nothingness.

"Hello, I'm Neil, but everyone calls me Space Kid." The figure chirped happily, completely ignoring the bloodless faces of the other two.

"Uh, you… I mean… _face_." Max stumbled confuzzled.

"Yeah, I know," Space Kid replied, "My mom always said I have a face for Television. I don't mind you staring." If dismembered dentures could, his would be beaming.

Neil leaned in close to Max, "Yeah, a face for a _horror_ flick."

"So, where are you guys going." Space Kid asked, his two eyes splitting apart to stare at both of them simultaneously.

"W-we're going to the W-Wizard." Neil stammered.

"The Wizard?!" The eyes bugged out and did a happy flip in the confines of the helmet. "Take me with you! Please?!"

"Oh, did you wanna wish for something, too?" Max ventured, leaning away from the probing eyeball.

"Yep. I bet you can guess, huh? Give you a hint; it rhymes with 'place'."

"Uh, You want to ask for a normal fac-"

"I WANNA GO TO SPAAAACE!" He screamed excitedly. "I wanna see the Milk-and-Cookie Way! Take samples of Gallifreyan soil and try Moon Cheese!"

"You're shitting me." Max deadpanned.

Neil poked his shoulder confusedly. "What're you talking about Max? It's a scientific fact that the moon is made of cheese."

"…F*ck everything." Max grumbled. "And f*ck Gwen's stupid British show."

He re-addressed Space Kid, "So, you want to go to space? Anything… _else_ that comes to mind?"

"Nope!"

"Anything more, I dunno, personal or aesthetic?"

"Nuh-uh."

"Seriously, nothing?"

"Not-a-thing! So, can I go or what?" The small figure hopped in place excitedly like a puppy.

Eventually, Max sighed exhausted, "Okay, fine."

"YES! Oh, oh, wait! I gotta sing my song first!"

"Of f*cking course." Max growled.

The sounds of the forest went silent as all attention drew to Space Kid. He started to sing as a simultaneous accompaniment of a horn sounded. ( **2001 Space Odyssey Song** ).

 **"SPAAAAAAACE. SPAAAAAAAAACE. SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!"**

 **"TO SPAAAAAAAAAACE"**

 ***dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum*** [he banged his helmet, producing a hollow drum-sound]

 **"SPAAAAAAACE. SPAAAAAAAAACE. SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!"**

 **"TO SPAAAAAAAAAACE!"**

 ***dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum***

 **"SPAAAAAAACE. SPAAAAAAAAACE. SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!"**

 **"TO-SPAAAAAAAAAACE"**

 **"SPACE-SPACE-SPAAACE. SPAAAAACE. SPAAAAAAAAAAACE!"**

Max suddenly found himself caught up in a surrounding illusion that they were floating in the depths of space. The sun dawned over the top of planet earth and the inky blackness was erupting with stars and galaxies.

The orchestra kept playing, but Space Kid's speech had devolved into blubbering, "Oh, oh, it's so beautiful. Ohhhh! Space! Gotta get to spaaace!"

He picked back up with the last three notes.

 **"SPAAAAAAACE. SPAAAAAAAAACE. SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!"**

He stopped singing as the sun eclipsed behind the earth with the fading sound of an organ.

The blackness around them split open and they found themselves back in the forest of Oz.

"So, can I come with?" Space Kid asked.

Neil was staring ahead, dazed, "W-what the H-Hell. D-did that just-?"

"Yeah, c'mon Neil." Max groused, pulling his arm as the dismembered head-in-a-bowl toddled after them.

* * *

 **AN: Happy New Year!**

 **-Crow**


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: A bit short.**

* * *

Miles and miles they walked deeper and deeper into the woods. The charming woodsy feeling had fallen out a while ago. The trees and vegetation got thicker and denser to the point where the canopy blocked out the sun entirely. Mushrooms and mold took over trees that became gnarled and snarly. Some plants along the side of the road snapped at their heels with odd flower-heads or tripped the trio intentionally. Max tried retaliating by stomping on the tendrils, but after several instances of it happening and with no end in sight, he had to give up and just avoid them.

Space Kid shivered silently in his spacesuit, "T-this place s-sure is creepy, huh?"

"Y-yeah. Hey Max?" Neil ventured, "D-do ya think we could backtrack and try something like, I dunno, the Yellow Monorail or the Yellow Taxi Service to Chartreuse City?"

"And walk all that way _again_?!" Max shot back, "F*ck that noise! Besides, I didn't see anything in all the time we were there. Where would we find a f*cking Taxi Service unless we went all the way back to those Dolph-people."

" _Lilliputs_." Neil emphasized.

"Whatever! Still not happening." Max stomped forward, determination set in stone on his face.

The trees echoed ominously as the chittering of monkeys and jungle birds rang throughout. Vines and bark snapping from unseen creatures. In the distance, a loud roar was faintly heard.

"W-what kind of things do you think live here?" Space Kid said nervously. "Like… like… lions?"

"Or tigers." Neil whimpered, panic overcoming logic.

"Or bears!"

"OH. MY. F*CKING. GOD!" Max shouted, red-faced, "Calm your f*cking tits already! We're in a jungle on the edge of a f*cking woodlands fairy tale! Not Africa! There are no Lions! There are no Tigers! And I doubt we'd ever see a-"

"A BEAR!" Space Kid shouted, pointing behind Max.

The human whirled around and saw a black shape lumbering towards them on all fours. It snarled angrily as it got closer and closer and closer and-

"Hi."

"AIEEEE" Neil and Space Kid clung to each other, screaming.

"Hey, 'sup?" Max greeted.

"Where are you guys headed?" the creature asked casually sniffing them, "Most people don't come down this way. They just take the bus."

"There's a f*cking bus?!"

The creature got up close and Max could see it better in the dim lighting. It had the stripes of a tiger; the furry, brown body of a bear; the fluffed tail of a lion; the tusks of a warthog; the teeth, eyes, and paws of a puma; and the snout of a wolf. In essence, it was a mess of a chimera.

But it still had a familiar floof of seagreen hair.

"Nikki?!"

"Hiya stranger!" Nikki-beast waved happily. "I had no idea my name traveled around so much! So, where are you going?! Ooh, oohh! Can I come too?! It'd be an adventure!" She bounded up a tree, swung on the vine and landed with a backflip in her original position.

"We're going to the Wizard-" Max started.

"The Wizard?! Oh, take me with, pleeeease?" Nikki begged, her wolf-ears flattened against her head and eyes wide and kitten-like.

"Ugh! Fine!" Max groaned, not willing to even start arguing with these tagalongs latching onto him like lampreys.

Nikki hopped in place and bounced in place. "Oh, my, GOD this is happening?!" She squealed (literally, as the Warthog part of her surfaced). "I can finally wish for it!

"I'm gonna be as cool as Erid!" She pointed to the side and revealed a taller puma-lioness mix was leaning against a tree looking chill as f*ck. She noticed the attention and waved with a simple "'Sup?"

Nikki had stars in her eyes, "Oooooh, if only I could be as cool as her; she's like freeze-your-socks-off cool! She's like liquid-nitrogen cool! She's like get-outside-in-winter-and-prep-a-big-loogie-and-shoot-it-out-your-nose-only-for-it-to-freeze-into-a-nose-cicle COOL!"

She turned to the group, "And soon, I'll be just as cool."

Max groaned as music started up around them, "No, no, why?!"

" **Welllll, if I met the wizard~**

 **Oh, what I would saaaay~.** "

"NO!"

The group looked at the tiny figure of a fuming Max, "No! No, f*cking No! No more singing!" He pointed at Nikki-clone, "You! What do you want?!"

"To be cool, I guess." She shrugged.

"Then haul ass and follow us!" He marched passed her and stomped along the yellow mulch closer to the Chartreuse City.

The rest shrugged and ran to catch up to the retreating figure with visions of their wishes being fulfilled dancing in their heads.

Erid watched them all leave with a cool and aloof expression on her face.

"Meredith? Are you here?" A voice called out.

"Daaaad, I told you; call me Erid." She groaned. The bushes opened up and revealed her two, buff, gay wolf dads standing side-by-side.

The underbrush parted and revealed a new creature that fit perfectly in the forest of mismatched chimeras.

Her dads flinched back, positioning themselves slightly between her and the new creature. It's soulless eyes surveyed the family, hissing angrily with its forepaws raised.

Then, a banana fell from a tree above, landing in front of the creature. It scooped it in its large bill-mouth and fell lazily on its stomach.

"Mwak."

…

"Cool."

* * *

 **AN: Yep, that's the end of the singing.**

 **Thank God.**


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: Ta-Da! A long chapter! Featuring hints of Dadvid!**

* * *

The Dark Warlock Daniel whistled happily as he held a feather duster in his hand.

He lightly brushed it across the delicate spikes and gears of his torture instruments. He deftly waxed the Iron Maiden's exterior and interior for a proper shine. He lovingly polished the enormous stone statue of the Great Cthulhu (a minor god of pain and suffering to the Greatest Lord Zeemug) and re-arranged the sacrificial blood-candles around the altar.

He took no small amount of pride and glee in knowing that as soon as that brat with the Hood-Dee was under his power, he would make very good use of these instruments before Cleansing him.

He was in the middle of seeing that Cthulhu's great, ruby eye was properly glowing with malevolence when the door opened. "Sir, we have a report!"

He sighed. "High-Scout Pikeman, what a pleasant surprise! However, I believe I told you not to interrupt when I am having my private time for my collection." He said with a cold, fixed smile and unblinking gaze.

The zit-faced winged monkey in uniform gulped, "W-well, sir, we've managed to locate the boy you asked about. He seems to be gathering a squadron of individuals."

"A squadron, eh? No doubt the work of his Hood-Dee." Daniel muttered to himself. "Do these new individuals seem to pose a threat to us?"

"N-no, sir. In fact, they seem rather… um… stupid?" Pikeman shrugged.

"A diabolical ruse," Daniel smiled to himself, fingers steeped, "I honestly didn't think you had it in you, David."

"Sir?"

"All these years of bumbling and cheeriness, oh yes, I see your game. And don't think I didn't notice how fast you arrived when young Gwendolyn was down for the count to usurp her lands. Oooooh, Professor Mayweather was right. It's always the quiet ones." He delved deeper into his monologuing as the monkey assistant became increasingly uncomfortable in his presence.

"Um, _sir_?"

"WHAT?!" Daniel rounded on the poor guy, violently brought out of his soliloquy.

Pikeman cleared his throat, standing at full attention, "I wanted to say we've established a way to stop these intruders that I think you will find pleasing." He said, sleezily.

Daniel waited for him to elaborate, tapping his foot as gloating silence stretched, "Any day now, Pikeman." He growled.

"Y-yes, sir." The monkey replied, eyeing the red sparks forming around his master's fingers. "I've instructed the minions to erect our Greatest Trap to the southern border of the Chartreuse City! They'll go in, but they'll never come out! A perfect way to simply snatch the boy and his little friends at your leisure, sir."

"Oh, that's wonderful news! Truly excellent!" Daniel beamed, flipping his mood around faster than a lightbulb. "They'll be like flies in a web and I'll have all the time in the world to rip them out whenever I want. A couple new fiends Cleansed and working around the castle would be just the thing to spruce up the… lacking staff I have."

"Y-you mean, except m-me. Right, your Wickedness?" The winged monkey gave a weak chuckle.

"Oh, yes, of course, Pikeman. Of course." Daniel's cold, smiling poker face set in once more, causing cold shivers to run down the assistant's spine.

Daniel turned out the window, staring out into the distance beyond the eternally-red sky around his domain. "Soon… so soon they shall all be mine. And with them… I can finally gain power through the great Zeemuug… hehe… hahaha… HAHAHAHAHA! Laugh with me, Pikeman! AHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Hehehe" "HAHAHAHAHAHA" "Ha hahahahaha!" "HAHAHAHAHAHA!" "Hahahahaha!"

The wicked laughter (and accompanied nasally-pubsecent laughter) echoed across the barren wastelands of the West.

* * *

"Are you. F*cking. Serious?!"

"What is this nightmare?" Neil whimpered. "It's like if gym class and boot camp had a Satan-baby."

"It's like space camp!" Space-Kid shouted gleefully, "But deadlier!"

"OOH! OOH! Me first! ME FIRST!"

The motley crew of journeyers stood in front of what was probably once a very beautiful flower meadow, but had been ripped apart and (for lack of a better term) defiled. The dirt was torn up like a tractor had clumsily shredded through it. Pools of a murky, putrid-green substance oozed and bubbled in low-points and dugouts. Above it was a virtual web of rope and twine with logs and poles sticking out of the ground with barbed-wire strung across like Christmas Tree garlands.

Giant maces, axes, and beams swung treacherously back and forth throughout, threatening to knock them into the unknown bubbling ooze. Knives, spikes, poisonous darts were all hooked up to small high-tension tripwires.

A sign pounded into the muddy ground said "ROPES COURSE" in blocky army print with a messy red scrawl painted over it reading "HELL".

"Welp, it's been nice, guys, but I can live without my wish. If anyone needs me, I'll be back on my pole." Neil swung on his heel before Max grabbed his collar.

"Yeah, not happening," The shorter said not taking his eyes off the course. "We've made it this far. In for a penny…"

"The hell's a penny?!" Neil struggled futilely with straw-filled arms and legs.

Max tossed him into the fray and Neil-Crow shrieked as he hit several tripwires and knives and darts embedded themselves in his face. Nikki screamed 'No Fair!' as she deftly started jumping and leaping across the ropes. Space Kid toddled on the bridge and started walking right towards the swinging obstacles.

The foul-mooded adventurer braced himself, briefly padding his hoodie to see to it that Mr. Honeynuts was still secure.

Then he jumped in.

* * *

"I. F*cking. Hate. Everything."

Max swung lazily, wrapped completely in a cocoon of ropes and suspended upside-down as blood rushed to his head.

Space Kid had fallen into the sludge and giggled as it 'tickled' his suit (hence, the slow sizzling and hissing from the material where it made contact), but couldn't move anything out of the sticky goo.

Nikki was in a similar situation to Max where her limbs were completely restricted by ropes, but the tangle was made only worse when she ferally struggled to free herself, triggering a tripwire and causing her to get hit by a dart in the shoulder. Thankfully, given her dazed, woozy state, it seemed like a normal sedative tranquilizer dart instead of the poisoned ones.

Neil was looking more like a pincushion at the moment, every surface of him was perforated with a knife, needle, or pin somewhere. He had stopped complaining after _very_ narrowly avoiding a flaming arrow whizzing by his ear.

Still, they were all down and chances of getting out were slim to none.

"What now?" Neil asked.

"I wanna chase the purple foxy-boo." Nikki slurred, grinning dopily.

"Uh, Max? I think this stuff is getting in my suit."

"EVERYBODY SHUT UP!" Max fumed angrily. He hated this. No good ideas and he was having flashbacks to his imprisonment in Woodscouts. Still, he had to try something, "Nikki! Can you reach that peg in the ground?"

"Imawodduburgsliveintoggglepots." She garbled.

"Neil! What about you?! See anything?"

"I'll try. Maybe I can reach… that…" *fwoop wip wip wip!* "Auuuugh! Nope, nope, another tripwire."

"Space Kid, what about-"

He looked at the tiny figure grunting to keep his eyes and dismembered face-bits away from the ooze that was starting to fill up his suit and helmet.

"Oh, come on! Anyone!? ANYONE!?" Max shouted angrily. He struggled helplessly in his cocoon.

Then it happened.

He felt something shift by his stomach and the ropes around him wiggle. He looked down.

At a fluffy arm poking out.

"No."

His motions betrayed him as Newton's Laws kept him swinging, easing the arm further out.

Then the torso;

Two legs;

The other arm.

"No!"

The disheveled head of his Teddy Bear popped out silently and it seemed to fall in slow motion as it fell down towards the ooze.

"NOOOOOO!"

Its arm caught on a tripwire and a small dart flew straight at the bear, pinning its ear to a beam. Max's relief was incredibly short-lived as tiny ripping sounds worked their way down the seam, the worn threads unable to keep up the weight of a fully-stuffed bear.

His heart dropped as the last few threads fell apart instantly.

Mr. Honeynuts fell straight down into the-

"Gotcha!"

A pale hand caught the small stuffed animal just before it would have splashed into the acidic goo.

Max watched the hand drag the bear away from the path of ooze and towards the edge closer to safety. He followed the hand up the arm and to a familiar face beaming down at him.

"DAVID?!"

"Well, howdy Max!" He chirped.

"The Good Witch" Neil shouted happily, "You've come to rescue us!"

"That's right, Scarecrow! Just a flick of the ol' magic wand and we're good to go!"

"Well, what are you waiting for, asshole? GET US OUT OF HERE!" Max screamed angrily.

David backed away, putting Mr. Honeynuts on the ground as he started doing squats.

"The F*CK ARE YOU DOING?!"

David huffed, "Well, it's bad form to do _this_ much magic without stretching." He started arching his back and reaching over one side with his arm one way, then another.

"Outta my way."

David shrieked as a gruff, old man in familiar plaid and boots stomped past him towards the suspended kids. The Quartermaster lookalike (?) raised his hooked hand and swiped at some specific ropes, causing the whole course to come crashing down into a perfect bridge with Nikki, Max, and Neil on the stable ground by it. The Quartermaster then hooked Space Kid's collar and yanked him out of the ooze with ease, setting him aside to let the caustic slime drain out of the suit, revealing it to be as empty as his helmet.

"Thank you, stranger!" David beamed, hiding his confusion with a strained smile.

The man grumbled lowly under his moustache, the main words they could make out being "plot progression", "protagonists", and "the _Jeeewwws_ ". Still mumbling, he stalked back into the dense woods they had just come from.

Max stared after the character, still wondering if he was _the_ Quartermaster or… something. Then again, there was that freaky shit with his Quartersister/cousin/fiancé/whatever-the-f*ck-they-were. For all he knew…

"Hey, Max?" The boy turned and saw David crouched on one knee to better look him in the eye as he held out his hand. A familiar object in hand.

Max rushed over and grabbed the teddy bear out of his hand as he hugged it close to him. Then he held it away for a second to examine the torn ear forlornly.

David noticed the disfigurement and frowned before glancing at a pole that hadn't fallen over completely and still had the ear tacked on. Max didn't notice as the taller walked over and gently tugged the dart and ear off the pole.

He knelt again by the small human, getting his attention as he held out the shredded ear. "Max? I'm not the most powerful warlock, I know, but I do know some magic I can do right now. If you'll let me?"

Max looked between the sad little ear and Mr. Honeynuts for the longest while as seconds ticked by silently. Finally, inch-by-inch, he slowly set the stuffed bear in David's hands. David smiled comfortingly at the show of trust.

The warlock took the torn ear and cupped it in his hand before gently blowing into it. Max might've called it a cheap imitation of a magic trick if there wasn't a glowing, blue-white light beaming between his fingers. David then took the cupped hand of light and pressed it to the bear's torn spot, closing his eyes as the light glowed brighter.

Then, he took it away.

Mr. Honeynuts had his ear right back where it was supposed to be.

Max stared for a few seconds as he approached the bear being held out by the warlock. He finally got it and held it in his hands. Experimentally, he tugged gently at the ear. Good as new.

The boy held the teddy close to him, burying his face into it to hide a wobbling lower lip and misty eyes. He peeked over the toy at his companions. Neil was busy de-porcupine-ing himself, Nikki was getting over the worst of her tranquilizer, and Space Kid was hopping around, shaking out the last of the goo in his suit.

He looked back at the warlock and said something, barely audible behind the fur of his bear.

…

…

"thanks."

…

…

…

"You're welcome, Max."

Barely heard, barely responded, but David's stupid face was still barely holding back a smile that would put the sun to shame. Max hated that. He hated those kind of smiles.

"Got it!"

They turned and saw Neil as he finally removed the last dart from his back with the help of a now-much-more-sober Nikki.

Space Kid was wobbling around, his body being limper with gaping holes in his fabric.

David smiled and held his hand as light pulsed from his palm down on Space Kid. The unusual child 'oohed' as the rips and holes mended themselves and he was back to being the bouncing, bounding bundle of… consciousness he was before.

He repeated it with Neil and repaired the small holes created by the pinpricks in his sack-cloth skin.

Nikki had worn off the tranq by then, so he didn't need to do much besides insist on healing the tiny puncture wound in her shoulder from the dart.

Once they were all patched up (literally, in Neil's case), they looked across the bridge to the shining, green spires of the Chartreuse City.

"Well, this is where I leave you guys." David said, wiping a tear away. "I hope you meet the Wizard and he grants your hearts' desires." He looked off doe-eyed into the distance at the gleaming city, clasping his hands together.

"Yeah; f*ck that noise." Max replied. "C'mon freaks, let's get going."

"Woo! I'mma freak!" Nikki screeched delightedly as she bounded ahead on the wooden bridge. The others followed along as David watched and waved goodbye as his bubble carried him Northward.

* * *

 **AN: Hope you enjoyed!**

 **-Crow**


	8. Chapter 8

They finally reached the end of the great, yellow-mulch-road to a set of enormous, green doors. Max boldly stepped up and slammed the knocker against the plate, creating loud bangs echoing through the courtyard.

A second later, they heard scuffling from behind the doors and two voices bickering quietly. Then, the slot a few feet off the ground opened and revealed two eyes glaring down at them.

"Thpeak! What ith your purpothe here, travelerth!" [Speak! What is your purpose here, travelers?]

"Nerris! You're doing it wrong!" A second slot opened on the door right next to it and another set of eyes looked down at them. "Strangers, we open these doors only to those who have demonstrated magic worthy of the Wizard's attention and know of his password!"

"No, we were thupposed to let in travelerth today. He wanted mageth and thorthererth!" [No, we were supposed to let in travelers today. He wanted mages and sorcerers!]

"No, we were supposed to let in people who knew the password!"

"Magic!"

"Password!"

"Magic!"

"Password!"

" _Real_ Magic!"

"Oh, now you hit below the belt! I-"

"HEY F*CKERS!"

The eyes turned their attention back to the figures still waiting. Max continued, "The f*ck are you talking about? How is anyone supposed to know some shitty password if no one is let in?"

"It'th a very excluthive club." [It's a very exclusive club] The lisped voice said, with the other eyes nodding in agreement.

"Fine, you know what, f*ck this! Nikki!"

The chimera growled as she attacked the doors with all of her bear strength. They didn't even shudder.

"Ha! Fools! The doors are impervious to brute force! It would take a true mage to open them!"

Max raised an eyebrow. "A true mage, huh?"

Then, louder he called up to them, "Hey! What if I said I had the ability to cut myself without bleeding and heal it instantly?"

The eyes widened and stared at each other a second before returning focus, "That would indeed be the makings of a true magician! Perform this feat and we'll see you are granted audience with the Wizard!"

Max sighed and he presented his hands to both of them. Then, he used his right hand to grab his left thumb-

-and pulled it right off.

"EGADTH!" [EGADS!]

"INCREDIBLE!"

Max wiggled the bloodless, smooth stump where his thumb used to be and the thumb tip peeking between his fingers in his right hand wriggled in response. Then, he brought the two together and with a flourish, restored his thumb back in place and showed his two hands with all ten digits firmly in place.

"THAT WAS AMAZING! Come in, come in, mighty sorcerer! We apologize for delaying you!" The doors split open slowly.

Neil tapped Max on the shoulder, "Hey, Max, how'd you do that anyway?"

"A magician never reveals his secrets, Neil." Max replied smugly, hands in his hoodie.

They walked through the doors and saw two more familiar faces hopping off stepping staircases welded to the inside of the doors.

"Greetingth, mage, my name ith Nerrith the Cute. I am at your dithpothal." [Greetings, mage, my name is Nerris the Cute. I am at your disposal.] Introduced the lisping one. She looked just like Earth-Nerris except her braces had been replaced with a complex mess of glistening metal wires embedded with stones and gems glowing slightly, her fake pointed hat was definitely more realistic than the cardboard one, and she had on an overly-large dress robes barely shrugged onto her frame.

"And I am the Amazing Harrison; Magician Apprentice of Oz!" Harrison exclaimed. He looked just like Earth-Harrison right down to the stupid top hat, but the main difference being his cape was definitely more expensive material. The "magician apprentice" started waving his hands and a flash of flame erupted from his palms… along with a pair of dice, a couple playing cards, and a live dove or two.

"…"

"Er… ta-da?" He mumbled.

"Yeah, 'kay, which way to this Wizard guy?" Max commented, ignoring the fumbling and fawning alike.

"Just take the street all the way to the Wizard's Tower!" Harrison replied, pointing to a straight road that led to the towering spire in the very center of the City.

Max huffed, "Humble, isn't he?" Before trudging along the path with his three companions in tow. Nerris and Harrison both waved excitedly as they watched them leave.

They passed green-themed architecture, cars, bus-stops, and more. A pink dog was whizzing against an emerald-green fire hydrant for pity's sake. Max had to stare as people walked by in fashion that would've stretched the mind of freaking-Lady-Gaga and Doctor Seuss combined!

They came to a stop in front of another set of large, green doors at the end of the path, but before Max could sound the knocker, a voice boomed from behind.

"WHO APPROACHES?!"

The others jumped in fright and scrambled to line up behind Max as a human meat-shield. Ignoring their willingness to toss him in front of danger at a moment's notice, he sarcastically addressed the doors.

"And who the f*ck are you, oh great pair of doors?"

The voice responded in a gratingly loud voice. "I AM THE KEEPER OF THE DOORS TO THE MIGHTY WIZARD OF CAMPBELL! LONG MAY HE REIGN! LONG MAY HIS SOVEREIGNTY LAST! LONG MAY HE-"

"I GET IT!" Max roared, "Jesus f*cking Christ you'd go on all day."

"AND WHO ARE YOU, TRAVELERS? HOW DID YOU GAIN ENTRY TO THE MIGHTY PALACE OF THE WIZARD?"

"Your doormen let us in." Max replied sardonically.

"THOSE FOOLS! NEVERMIND! YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF THE WIZARD'S TIME NOR HAVE YOU AN APPOINTMENT! BEGONE, FOR NONE SHALL SEE THE WIZARD!"

A gong sounded from behind the doorway and the voice was silent. The other three peered out from behind Max.

"Jeez, what a loudmouth," Neil commented.

"Yeah, well, without permission from this f*cker, we're not getting in," Max said testily. He'd come all this way to be blocked at the very end? Fat chance.

"Yeah, I get that, but he was like super dramatic about the whole thing, wasn't he? I mean, c'mon; 'None shall pass!' who says that anymore?"

"Dramatic…" Max murmured. His eyes widening. He glanced at his companion's faces, seeing his friends (and Space Kid) in them briefly. If his hunch was right.

And if his hunch was right…

Then he wouldn't appreciate what he'd have to do next…

"Ah, shit." Max grumbled. The other three looked up at him. "Okay, I got an idea, but just shut up about it and I swear if any of this gets to ANYONE ELSE, I will personally KILL YOU!"

They nodded frantically at the threat as Max cleared his throat. He grunted in his throat a few times until it felt a little raw and turned away to poke a finger to his eye (painfully) as he felt them tear up.

'Okay, think of something sad. Something sad. Something…" Max struggled. There wasn't really much in this world to feel sad about, really. Except.

He envisioned his Mr. Honeynuts buried forever if Gwen hadn't found it. Slowly rotting away. Going back to his parents' house without him. Never feeling the fluffy toy again…

There we go!

Now we're cooking!

He let his nose dribble a tiny bit and the tears build before blinking fiercely to let them stream down. He took a deep breath and… scene!

"G-guys, I-I don't know what to do!" He said in a stage-whisper. "I-I know you all w-wanted something b-but… but I just wanna go h-home."

He heard a tiny *click* as the spy-hole was opened in the door.

"I-I miss the c-camp. I miss the lake… my mom, my dad… I m-miss my friends… I-I even miss my C-Camp Counsellor and f-friend David." He started sobbing into the crook of his elbow to mask his displeasure at saying _any_ of those things.

But the peep-hole was opened more.

It was working!

"I w-wanted the W-Wizard to get me back. I'm not from here. I-I just wanna go home."

His friends seemed to get caught up in it and rushed to his side, hugging him loosely. Nikki even went a step further and started rubbing his hair while murmuring quiet nothings about how 'it'll be okay' and 'we'll be your new family'.

"OH MY GOD, YOU'RE KILLING IT!"

They were startled out of it by the shrill voice behind them. The doors popped open and a fully-dressed Preston in even poofier pants and a poofy hat as uniform stepped out, looking manic.

"THE DELIVERY! THE EMOTION! THE PASSION! THAT WAS AN AMAZING PERFORMANCE!"

"Thanks, I try." Max said casually, clearing his throat and wiping the tears away. Nikki, Neil, and Space Kid backed up from him, in shocked silence at the sudden change in attitude.

"LITTLE SHAKY IN THE MIDDLE, BUT MY GOD YOU MADE UP FOR IT EVERYWHERE ELSE! NOW, I HAVE TO ASK, HOW DID YOU GET THE QUIVER JUST RIGHT?"

"Heh, easy, you tense up this muscle under your chin, right here, and your lip wobbles like a toddler before a tantrum," Max grinned, still wiping the tear-stains.

"GENIUS! COME ON IN!" Preston proclaimed, pulling the doors open wider as they spilled past.

They walked further down the green-lit marble hallway further into the Wizard's domain until Preston the Doorguard was well away from them.

"Max?! What the f*ck?! You were acting?!" Neil exclaimed.

"Yep."

"B-but it seemed so _real_!" Nikki added on in awe.

"That's kinda the point."

"That's the last time I let you draw the sympathy card!" The scarecrow accused.

The group arrived in silence to an enormous amphitheater room entirely in green gems and gold accents.

An enormous explosion shook the room from the center stage as smoke wafted from an unseen source. The smoke took on an ominous red hue as the clouds coalesced and a face emerged from the center.

The Face of the Wizard of Campbell.

* * *

 **[AN: Let's be honest, you can see this one coming a mile away, can't you?]**


	9. Chapter 9

"WHO DARES ENTER THE CHAMBER OF THE WIZARD OF CAMPBELL?!" The face roared, fire pluming from unseen openings. Max's companions cowered before the mighty being like terrified rabbits shaking before a wolf. Max, on the other hand-

"Cameron Campbell?!" Max exclaimed. Suddenly a lot of it made sense. If this asshole was anything like the guy back on Earth.

The face seemed to look down at them, specifically Max, and faltered, "I, uh, I mean I KNOW NOT THIS NAME THAT YOU SPEAK, CHILD!

"I AM CAMPBELL, THE GREAT AND POWERFUL AND MANLY AND… AND VIRILE-"

"God! Shut up, already! No one wants to know that shit!" Max interrupted.

"INSOLENCE!" More fire erupted forth around the face, causing his friends to huddle closer behind Max. "FOR THIS, I SHOULD SEND THEE AWAY! WISHES UNGRANTED!"

Max was about to open his mouth again when Nikki's clawed hands clamped over his mouth and her bear-strength pinning him in place. His protests and threats muffled by her paws as he struggled against her grip.

Neil was the first to approach, bowing low, "Oh, great Wizard of Campbell! We humbly apologize for our friend Max. He is tired and, er, cranky from our journey! We mean you no disrespect! We have journeyed long and far to get here that our wishes may be granted! Please won't you hear us?"

The "wizard" (or at least his floating head) sighed, "of course they're here for wishes, he-hem, VERY WELL, SPEAK! YOU! THE SCARECROW!"

Neil flustered at being the first, "W-well sir, I've always wanted my own laboratory. Someplace I can test my theories and work away from the cornfield I've been stuck in."

"AND YOU, THE- OH DEAR GOD!" The face visibly recoiled back as he finally noticed Space Kid.

"Yay! Hiya Mister Wizard." The dismembered bits of face exclaimed, hopping up closer.

"Okay, that's, er, that's close enough, young man. NOW! WHAT IS YOUR WISH?"

"Dawwww, I'm sure someone as powerful as you probably already knows it." Space Kid gushed. Max saw the dismembered ears blush red at the tips and shuddered at the knowledge there had to be _blood_ somewhere in there.

"ER… YOU'RE THINKING OF A NUMBER BETWEEN ONE AND TEN," The "wizard" boomed, chuckling and grinning nervously.

"Hahahaah! That's funny, sir! But it's about my wish! I'll give you a hint; It rhymes with 'lace'!" The abomination against nature replied happily.

"… YOUUUUU WANT A NEW FAC-?"

"I WANNA GO TO SPAAAAAAAAACE!"

The dismembered face did cartwheels inside its helmet as the legs ran in circles in front of the Wizard's podium.

Max finally shrugged off Nikki and stood to the side with his hands in his pockets. "Hey, 'Wizard'-guy. Don't worry about it, he pulled the same thing on us."

"IS THIS… NORMAL?"

Max shrugged, "I'm literally in a world with moon cheese and candy cane trees. You tell me."

"fair point. VERY WELL, THEN! YOU… BEAR… WOLF… THING? GIRL-COMPANION; WHAT IS YOUR WISH?"

Nikki squealed as she hopped up, "I wanna be cool!"

"AN EXCELLENT AMBITION, MY DEAR!" The Wizard exclaimed, for once actually seeming like he meant it.

"So, are you gunna grant it, then?!" Nikkie asked, wide-eyed. Space Kid stopped his spinning to join her and Neil staring up at the face.

"UH… WELLllllll… uh… not now beCAUSE I HAVEN'T HEARD THE LAST WISH OF YOUR PARTY!" He boomed magnanimously, turning to Max. "I AM FEELING REMARKABLY GENEROUS THIS DAY. SPEAK YOUR WISH AND I MAY OVERLOOK YOUR INSOLENCE! TAKE HEED, FOR I DO NOT GRANT SUCH KINDNESSES OFTEN."

Nikki bounced and gripped Max's shoulder, "He's gonna do it, Max! He's gonna grant your wish!"

The human shrugged her off of him as he approached the floating face of the charlatan who founded that God-forsaken camp of his. Who scammed countless parents into sending their brats away for the summer so they could get a few months blissfully to themselves. Who made _David_.

"You do any wish, huh?" Max asked.

"YES! And no 'I wish for more wishes' crap." The face warned.

Max sighed. Well, there went his monkey tail (if this 'Wizard' even had magic at all), "I just wanna go home, 'kay? Not some random place on Earth, not Kansas, and sure as _Hell_ not Camp Campbell!"

"What's Camp Campbell?" Neil mumbled.

"I just wanna go home, and stick around the couch all summer until my shitty parents send me to my bullshit school in the fall. Hell, my parents might not even be home for a month or two. I'll manage." Max continued, mumbling under his breath, "not the first time."

The Wizard either didn't hear or didn't care, "WELL, THAT IS AN IMPRESSIVE WISH, YOUNG CAMPER, I MEAN, BOY! ONE I'M NOT SURE I HAVE THE POWER TO MAKE HAPPEN!"

"Gasp!"

"That's complete bullshit!"

"I'm never gonna be cooooool. Waaaaah!"

Max didn't say anything, unsurprised cynicism predicting just this.

"S-so Max won't get his wish?" Nikki asked sadly. "What if he wished for something else?"

The head shook itself 'sadly' and a giant hand manifested to wipe away an imaginary tear (definitely imaginary, Max couldn't see a single drop of water on the 30 foot tall face… except slightly nervous sweat on its forehead). "I'M SORRY, MY DEAR, BUT HE'S ALREADY WISHED HIS HEART'S DESIRE. YOU CANNOT CHANGE IT, NOR CAN I GRANT THE ORIGINAL REQUEST. AS YOU HAVE COME AS A GROUP, I AM UNABLE TO FULFILL ONE PARTY MEMBER'S REQUEST AND YOUR WISHES ARE VOIDED!"

"NOOOOO!"

"WHAT THE F*CK!"

Max felt his blood start to boil. Not at having his wish denied, but that this con artist was denying the others' wishes, too! It was that kind of weaseling that he hated (among other things) in the original Campbell.

Well, let's up the heat.

"Oh Great Wizard of Campbell!" Max shouted, bowing low and setting on one knee. The others stared at him, wondering if it was another act, "Don't let my friends' wishes be defeated because mine is beyond your powers! I beseech you to reconsider their proposals without my request."

"Hmmm." The head thought, "VERY WELL, BUT YOU MUST DO SOMETHING FOR ME IN RETURN!"

Max 'tched', of f*cking course he'd have to do something. Like a bullshit RPG. "Ugh, fine! What's your bullshit request?"

"I WANT… er… BRING MEEEEEEeeeee… ummm…" More beads of perspiration collected above the head's eyebrows, very visible from its enormity. The figure mumbled to itself, "hmmm. That dagger hilt is pure wrought gold. Might fetch a nice sum on the Taiwan Market."

The face turned back to them, "I HAVE DECIDED! YOU ARE TO BRING TO ME THE SACRIFICIAL DAGGER OF THE GREAT WARLOCK OF THE WEST!"

"No! Max! I won't let you!" Nikki clung to Max's leg determinedly.

"IT'S TOO LATE, MY DEAR! HE MUST COMPLETE THE QUEST OR YOUR WISHES WILL BE VOID!"

"B-b-but that's suicide!" Neil-crow exclaimed. "No one's ever gotten close to the Warlock's lair and lived!"

' _So, that's it_ ,' Max thought darkly to himself, _'Try to weasel your way out of fulfilling your end of the bargain, and then if they persist and you can't bullshit anymore, send them on some 'quest' they're dangerously unprepared for. Either they don't do it and never bother you again or they go through with it and die. Either way, you come out smelling like roses. You Mother. F*cking. Bastard._ "

"MY CHOICE IS MADE!" The head boomed with another explosion of pyrotechnics. "FINISH THE QUEST OR NEVER RETURN!"

There were more pyrotechnics, explosions, and flashes of light as the head dissolved in the plume of smoke and the smoke stopped emanating. A loud bell sounded and the doors opened for two, large guards in goofy lime-green uniforms, but the serious, stony faces they wore outweighed their ridiculously tall, feathered hats.

Rather than be picked up and frog-marched away, they agreed to walk between them as they were escorted outside to the green lawns outside the gate.

Several minutes went by with everyone in their own private thoughts. Mulling over the events that occurred and what lay ahead if they chose to go through with it. Three were sullenly thinking about how their wishes would never be granted. One was frustrated at being caught in this con-artist's web in the first place.

He firmly believed now that this wizard had no "powers", but if this was the same Campbell, he had a way of getting back to Earth. If not, then he'd take some vindictive pleasure in bringing his reputation to shreds for this whole charade.

Nikki-beast looked at Max's frustrated face and misinterpreted it. "Hey, Max, don't beat yourself up, okay? Without you, none of us would be here in the first place."

"Yeah," Neil agreed, "I don't know about you, but I think he might've just been looking for an excuse to not grant _some_ of us (he glanced at an inattentive Space Kid) unreasonable requests."

Max sighed, "Neil, trust me, my home is way farther than where Space Kid could've gone. But that's not the point." He stood up from where they were sitting, "Which way to that bastard's castle?"

"WHAT?!"

"Max, you can't be serious!"

"Why not," Max said, shrugging, "If I die, I die. If I do it, I go home. If I don't do it, I'm stuck here forever." Laid out, his options were pretty low.

"B-but it's not that bad here, Max." Neil tried.

"Yeah! We've got tree climbing and vine-swinging and frog chasing-"

"Bobbing for apples!"

"Splashing in the watering hole!"

"Corn mazes!"

"Eating entire tubs of ice cream until your body fills up and it starts leaking colorful sludge!"

They stared awkwardly at Space Kid for the last one, who was completely oblivious to the attention.

"Yeah, hard pass." Max said, returning to the conversation. "I've got places to be back home, things to do, things to _not_ do, people to torment, y'know."

"Any friends?" Nikki asked.

Max glanced over at Nikki-beast, Neil-Crow, and Creepy-Space-Kid and saw some brief phantoms overlap their images. He sighed, "… yeah, I think so."

The three companions shared a nod, "Then we're coming too!" Nikki shouted.

"What? No! You'd get killed! You said it yourself!" Max argued.

"Nope! Too late! You're getting home one way or another and we'll help too!" Nikki grabbed Max and hefted him over her head, his protests ignored by the much-stronger chimera.

Space Kid ran around excitedly in circles. "Yaaay! We'll all get our wishes, or die trying!"

They marched towards the exit to the Chartreuse City.

Except for Neil who was still nervously standing in place.

"D-die? Oh, dear Luna, what've we gotten ourselves into here?" He asked the sky as he shuffled after.

* * *

AN: Admittedly, I like Space-Kid. He's so sweet and I enjoy writing his lines. Even if I made him an ungodly-creation-like-nothing-that-should-walk-the-earth-in-daylight.

...Yeah...


	10. Chapter 10

**AN: I'm not dead, and neither is this fic!**

 **-Crow**

* * *

Daniel, The Warlock of the West, sat in front of an enormous glass bowl filled to the brim with a purple, fruity-smelling liquid. On the surface of the liquid was an image of four travelers following the bright red brick road to his castle.

"So… it seems the Wizard is finally making his move." He mulled, before suddenly sitting up, "With the help of DAVID! Of course! That smiley bastard is always fawning over that arrogant wizard all the time. It'd make sense that the Wizard would order him to help assemble a team to come and overpower me. But who is the mastermind, eh?"

"S-sir?"

He sighed, "Yes, Pikeman?" The monkey-human-hybrid was quaking in the doorway.

"You seem a little… uh… I think you… er…" Pikeman tried.

"Use your words, Pikeman." Daniel smiled coldly.

"You've got a little… something… " He mimed picking something on the side of his face.

Daniel absently mimicked the position and felt a small scrap of something flaky. He got up and went to the mirror, surveying the damage. Not bad this time, just a few flaps of skin peeling off of his face. He mushed them back in place like softened clay before turning to the servant.

"Thank you, Pikeman. I sometimes forget how time flies when I'm using the scrying potion. Those pesky fumes." He said with his usual unreadable smile.

"R-right, sir. Fumes." The monkey laughed unconvincingly before coughing into his fist and standing straight, "Sir, I've mobilized the taskforce to eliminate the intruding party at your command."

"Very good, now I want you to take both squadrons and debilitate them. But don't kill. I wish to collect them… later." Daniel instructed. His face then took on its unblinking smile, "And remember, Pikeman, for everyone who dies that isn't supposed to, the one who leads replaces them."

The monkey-boy paled to the point where even his zits lost their red color. Everyone there knew the last time that happened.

Everyone knew what happened to Chucky.

No one ever spoke of it again.

"N-n-n-no, sir! Of c-course, sir!"

"Good," the Warlock purred. "Now go."

"Right away!" The monkey expanded its large, black, eagle-like wings and flapped its way ungracefully out the open window, screeching. The screeches alerted the others and soon the sky had six winged minions gliding their way towards the oncoming children.

Daniel watched them fade in the distance.

*chitter chip*

He smiled somewhat genuinely as he turned to see the tiny, cute furry animal hop on a nearby end table. It was fluffy and adorable and cute and had an eyepatch and a tiny-but-very-much-lethal saber strapped to its side. This little demon-trapped-in-cuteness was instrumental in the usurpation of the lands from its previous ruler; Mark, the King of the Squirrels.

"Hello, Damian."

*chipchipchipperchit*

"Yes, I have something _very_ important for you, understand?"

*squeaker*

"Good, I sent Pikeman to distract the group, but I want you and your squad to… _aquire_ the one with the blue hooded jacket. The rest you can leave to Pikeman and his ilk, but I want you to bring me that boy _alive_."

The squirrel saluted. *squickity*

"I know you won't fail me." Daniel agreed as the squirrel chittered, bringing forth its brethren as they scampered through unseen holes and passages to beat the flying idiots.

He gazed into the gnarled forest at the edge of his territory. "Soon, Max, soon you and your Hood-Dee will be mine."

* * *

"How much more walking do we need to do?" Nikki whined.

"However long it takes," Max shot back. "We've been walking all day, we can keep it up."

"Hey, I've been meaning to ask you, when did you arrive here, anyway?" Nikki asked.

…

"Uhh..." Max frowned. As far as he knew, the sun hadn't even set. Hell, it was still around noon/2:00 in the sky (despite the dark clouds brewing from the Warlock's region). Had it really only been one day?

"This morning?" He guessed.

"Wow, it's been some day, huh?" Neil commented, "It's kinda surreal when you think about it."

Seriously, what kind of adventure happens all in one day?

Why didn't they need to sleep?

Or eat more?

Or use the restroom?

…

…

"What's that?" Space Kid said, ending the inner monologue (of the author) on the inconsistencies of fiction vs. nonfiction.

They looked up at the sky to see six weird, bulky birds flying from the West.

"The Hell…?" Max squinted at them, trying to make them out. They definitely had wings, but… the bodies were vaguely human… and not…

"They're coming this way!" Nikki shouted, unsheathing her claws. Neil panicked and grabbed the first thing he could; a stick off of a tree.

Space Kid pulled out a laser pistol.

"What the f*ck?! How long have you had that?!" Neil exclaimed.

"I've kept this safe for countless years, knowing one day, I would need to claim my destiny!" Space Kid solemnly intoned. He raised the gun at the figures;

Put his finger on the trigger;

And shot!

*PEW!*

…

*ZAP! PEW! PEW! ZAP! PEW!* The gun continued to light up at the tip and make a buzzing electrical noise every time it was fired. The kind of buzzing noise you'd expect from a crappy 50's Space-Adventure film.

"It's a f*cking toy?!" Max screamed.

"EAT MY MONOCHROMATICALLY INDUCED PHOTON RADIATION EMISSIONS, BASTARDS!" Space Kid shouted.

The six figures landed and Max finally got a good look at them. They were monkeys… sorta. They had mostly black fur with monkey hands, feet, and tails, but enormous black, feathered wings coming out of their backs. They wore small uniforms that looked like a cross between woodscout, flowerscout, and bellhop uniforms.

And, like everyone else he's met so far, they had a disturbingly familiar, _human_ face.

"Hello, Maxwell." The leader sleezily snided. No doubt, it was Pikeman in his natural state. A creepy-ass gross _thing_. Ignoring the monkey features, he was the same height and build as his human doppelganger and with the same snake-like yellow eyes, obtrusively obnoxious overbite, and minefield of zits.

Beside him were two other monkey-birds. One was very short, with an eyepatch and a candycane (with dangling, candy-feet indicating it was probably sentient at some point) in his mouth. The other intimidatingly tall and muscular with a stony face. Definitely the rabbit-hole versions of Billy and Petrol.

The other three were surprising.

"Oh, my, gawwwwwwd. Can't we just, like, kill them already?"

"No, you moron, the Warlock said not to kill, like, _any_ of them. Remember Chucky?"

The last sidled up to Neil-crow and ran its gross monkey-finger along his arm, "Oooh, do you work out? Your arm is so… so… itchy."

Neil cringed away from the blonde-haired monkey-girl. Definitely the flowerscouts. The tallest one, Erin if he remembered from the brief interaction at the Diner (where David totally lost his shit and broke a chair over some guy's head), had blue fur matching her unnaturally blue hair back at Camp. The one with magenta-colored eyes and distinctly pink fur had to be Sasha.

And, of course, the blonde-furred one creeping on Neil had to be Tabii (with TWO "i"s; or was it one "eye" now after the fork?).

"Oh, my gawd. Is that, like, Nikkaaaaaay?" Erin-monkey pointed at Nikki-beast, drawing attention.

Nikki snorted in surprise, before clearing her throat awkwardly. "Uh, h-hey guys."

"You know them?!" Neil shouted, scraping the blonde one off of his arm.

"I kinda knew them from back in the Jungle. They had this clique thing I might've tried to join."

"We kicked her out." Sasha added.

"She was like, _totally_ gross." Nikki looked down in embarrassment at Tabii's words, her ears flattened and her snout snuffling quietly. "I mean, she has _pig_ in her. Definitely not Jungleflower Scouting Patrol material."

"Hey, shut the f*ck up, you f*cking half-assed angel wannabees!" Max shouted. He had surprised himself saying that, but they just rubbed him the wrong way. The flowerscouts collectively gasped in indignation and even Tabii jumped back from Neil in anger.

"Enough!"

The Pikeman lookalike sidled past the rest and approached Max. "Let's ignore that little altercation, shall we? Let's start fresh; Hello, travelers! We're here on behalf of Daniel, the Warlock of the West."

"Hello!" Space Kid chirped.

"And, now, we have the distinct pleasure of giving you a traditional welcome; isn't that right boys?" The woodscout clones nodded and chuckled gruffly. "… and girls?"

"Like, _whatever_! C'mon, let's get this over with. I'm, like, _seriously_ craving a low-fat yogurt right now." Sasha whined.

Neil shrieked as he was suddenly tackled down by the enormous Monkey while the tinier Billy-monkey took out his sharpened peppermint-shank and started jabbing the straw in his legs.

Nikki fended off the Erin and Sasha lookalikes with her claws as they approached, fabulously-manicured fingernails poised for action.

Space Kid was up against Tabii, which boiled down to her freaking out as he kept shooting his toy laser around uselessly. Though, to be honest, just the fact that she was being chased by a couple of bits of a person's head was terrifying enough.

Which left Max and Pikeman.

"Well, well, well, Maxwell. Looks like it's just you and m-"

*squeakity squeak squeak squeaker.*

They looked to see a tiny, adorable squirrel staring up at them with two, big doe-eyes. They let their guard down in confusion and adorableness.

Then, the rodent grinned, pulled a sword from behind it and roared!

*CHATTEEEEEERRRR!*

The trees exploded with activity as black, grey, red, and brown squirrels dive-bombed from the branches. They attacked both Max's friends and the monkey-servants alike. Everyone was frantically clawing the tiny creatures from clothes, faces, fur, and… other areas.

Pikeman let out a glass-shattering shriek as one particular squirrel with an eye patch landed right on a certain sensitive spot and clawed mercilessly.

The monkey with bad facial blemishes was overtaken by several squirrels dropping from above while he was too distracted, even as the eyepatch squirrel let go. The bundle of cute/evil chattered angrily at Max and he was suddenly tripped from behind and surrounded by the swarm of rodents.

The human choked as one rodent quickly jammed a rag in his mouth before he could cry out to the others. His arms and legs were quickly secured by tiny, but strong ropes and the tiny paws around him lifted him into the gnarled forest as everyone else was still too distracted to notice.

* * *

"AHHH, MY EYES!"

Pikeman continued shrieking as he desperately tried wrenching the retched rodent off of his face.

The squabbling continued for only a minute before the head squirrel chattered loudly, causing the squadron to stop and retreat back into the forest.

"Lemme at 'em. Lemme at 'em!" Nikki shouted, now freed from the masse of squirrels, but was disappointed with silence.

Neil was recovering from the trauma of being pummeled by monkeys one minute, and evil rats with overgrown tails the next. Maybe it was vindictive, but he suddenly had less animosity to animal testing.

Space Kid was still shooting his toy gun aimlessly the entire time, even as three squirrels escaped with the rest out of a hole chewed in his space-suit's pants.

"MY HAIRRRR!"

"MY CLOTHES!"

"MY SCARECROW!" The creepy blonde monkey was grabbed by the other two before she could tackle the Neil-crow down.

"C'mon, girls! This is totally f*cking stupid!" Sasha screeched, dragging the other three through the air back to the castle, screeching about manicures, pedicures, delicate-wash laundry settings, and shampoo… lots of shampoo.

Pikeman groaned as he got his bearings, confirming his other two monkeyboys. His snakey eyes glanced around the others. The geek, the chimera, and the abomination-against-life.

Wait.

"Where did he go?!" Pikeman ordered. He did a quick fly-by of the area and didn't see the blue-wearing kid anywhere.

He landed back in the area and confronted the other two, "He must've escaped when we were attacked! Snake, Petrol! Comb the area and find him! Otherwise, I will tell Lord Daniel that _you_ are just as responsible!"

The other two nodded and the eyepatch-monkey, Snake, spoke, "We will not fail. We will hunt to the ends of the Kingdoms, the Nations, the Arctic Tribes, and the Temples. We will find the Avatar and restore honor to our squadron."

Pikeman was too… just… "Okay, Snake? That's the wrong… That franchise is… I mean, you're- ugh, nevermind! Onwards!"

"Hmm!"

"Yes, Petrol?"

"Hm."

"Oh?"

"Hm-hm."

Pikeman nodded arrogantly, "Oh, don't worry about them. Just look," He pointed at the scarecrow still trying to re-stuff his body with straw, a dejected Nikki-beast sniffing around the ground for a scent trail of her friend, and the terrifying Space-Kid still blindly shooting his toy laser around and screaming. "They're not going anywhere soon."

They flew off, leaving the three companions to try to put themselves back together in silence.

All thinking.

What's going to happen to Max?

* * *

 **AN: Another chapter!**

 **You know, about the timeframe of the Wizard of Oz; in the movie, it seems like it was all in one day (maybe two if you consider the Wicked Witch's castle as 'nighttime'), but I remember _long_ ago, I read the book and they mentioned sleeping.**

 **In case you missed it; Billy is voiced by Dante Basco.**


	11. Chapter 11

**New Season Premiere Episode soon! Can't Wait!**

 **But in the meantime, my brain's saying; "Hurry and publish before it all becomes non-canon compliant!".**

 **Hopeful to update tomorrow, too.**

 **Sorry if it gets a little sappy in the middle.**

 **-Crow**

* * *

Max woke up on a small couch. He blinked confusedly. His last clear memories were the swarm of squirrels carrying him into the woods. Then… that one squirrel with the eyepatch waved something that smelled vaguely sweet in front of his nose…

"Good evening, Maxwell."

He sprung out of bed, wildly searching the dimly lit room. From what he could tell, he was in some ornate library or laboratory. Shelves upon shelves were dedicated to books and "specimens". But tables took up most of the center with journals, experiments, and dissected animals still pinned open.

His attention centered on a dark shadow collected in the corner of the room. The shadow grew taller and unveiled a pristine-white and coldly-smiling Daniel before sinking back through the cobblestone cracks.

"I see you're awake."

"And I see you're still an asshole." Max shot back.

Daniel 'tsk'd' disappointed. "Now, now, I'm sure we can come to an agreement, Max."

"Like Hell! You just want my f*cking soul! Well I'm not giving it over."

"That's alright." Daniel replied, still calmly grinning, "I'm sure you can be… _persuaded_."

Max's arms erupted in goosebumps and he involuntarily shivered at the unnerving tone.

"Come here," The Warlock turned on his heel and waltzed Max over to a wide, stone basin. The object was filled to the brim with a smoky, gray liquid that slowly swirled around constantly in the bowl without being touched.

"Do you like it?" Daniel asked politely, "It's something I use in my free time to catch up on things around me. Even Earth. Oh, yes!" He added, seeing Max's surprise, "I know about your precious little 'home'. Trust me, the floating dentures have an easier wish to grant than you do, let me tell you. You're a pretty looooong ways from home."

He pointed in the depths. Max cautiously followed his finger and saw the image inside swirl turbulently before settling into a mirror-like surface that had shapes and colors slowly coming into focus.

He saw-

Himself?

It was a smaller Max standing quietly somewhere extremely familiar.

"I do my research, believe me," Daniel continued, simpering almost hypnotically "I've seen so many things. So many _awful_ things…"

* * *

 _Max was 5._

 _"Momma? I've gotta go ta Kindagard'n."_

 _The woman at her laptop sighed, and lowered the monitor. "Max? Now is not the time, okay? Go ask your father."_

 _Max gave a tiny whimper that she didn't hear over re-immersing herself in her work._

 _He slowly approached the slightly ajar door. The smell of the gross funky-stuff wafted out. His Papa always drank it. He tried it once when he was hungry and Papa was away for a night. It tasted super gross. He didn't know why anyone would drink that._

 _The man in the recliner glowered at the glowing television.  
_

 _"P-Papa? M-momma says-"_

 _"I don't give two shits what she says." He grumbled, taking another swig._

 _"B-but I gotta-"_

 _"Max! You have thirty seconds!"_

 _Max scampered out of the TV room as fast as he could. He walked out the front door. It was raining. Of course it had to be._

 _He grabbed an umbrella from the front closet. He had to learn where they were on his own._

 _He walked under the umbrella to the nearby park. He huddled under the tiny play-place in his school clothes. Momma would be mad he got'em dirty, but he didn't care right then._

 _It was too far away to walk to his Kindergarten._

 _He'd have to miss it… again…_

 _Momma'd be mad when they called._

 _…_

 _It was Music Day, too…_

 _…_

 _He huddled in on himself as he quietly cried._

* * *

 _Max was 7._

 _"Why not?!"_

 _"Max! We are_ not _having this discussion again! I have to work to keep this house standing! Your father's as drunk as always! You just have to miss the recital!"_

 _"But it's not fair!"_

 _"No, it's not! But life's not fair, Max! Okay?" She stormed out of the house, her portfolio under one arm and purse slung over the other shoulder._

 _Max stared out at her as the sound of their car backed out of the driveway._

 _His father made his presence known with an obnoxious belch and some stumbling as he opened the fridge for another bottle. He took one look at Max, "… Ya gonna cry?"_

 _Max silently shook his head._

 _"Good." He popped the cap off of the bottle on the countertop and started upending the drink as he stumbled back to his lair._

 _Max glared at them._

 _Then, he did something he never did before._

 _Quietly,_ so _quietly._

 _He mumbled._

 _"F*ck you."_

* * *

 _Max was 7, almost 8._

 _He woke up in the middle of the night to loud shouting. He wanted to just pull the covers over his head and try to smother the noise out, but an unignorable dryness in his mouth meant he needed to sneak to the bathroom for a drink of water._

 _He tiptoed his way down the hall-_

 _"WELL I DON'T GIVE A F*CK!"_

 _He froze in place, worried he'd give himself away, but it only made him listen in._

 _"Oh, don't you even start with me, Krishna! I'm the one working all day to put food on the table. Meanwhile, look at you; sinking our savings in cheap beer and bets!"_

 _"Don't you even start with that-"_

 _"No! I will bring it up! You're still just so f*cking deep in your pity party you don't do jack-shit around here! 'Oh, I'm so sad. I didn't get into the Engineering School my family wanted. I didn't get a high paying job like I'd always wanted. It's not right for the woman of the family to work.' Well that's just how far it's come to!"_

 _"Shut the hell up, Ilana!"_

 _"I don't give two solitary fu-"_

 _*SMACK!*_

 _Max flinched back, not just at the loud sound of flesh on flesh, but the dragging, deafening silence that followed._

 _…_

 _A set of footfalls started walking up the stairs. Max quietly scampered his way to his room and hid under his covers._

 _The footsteps fade to his parents' room._

 _Seconds later, a second set of heavier footsteps were heard settling in the living room. Dad was on the couch again._

 _It was vindictive, yeah, but Max didn't care. The bastard deserved it._

 _…_

 _He ignored his thirst, he could wait until morning._

 _For now, he had to sleep in the dark silence._

* * *

 _Max was 9._

 _He was pushed down by the hulking figure of an 8th Grader in the middle of the lunchroom. None of the f*cking monitors even glanced up from whatever trash they were reading._

 _"Pay up, whimp. I want my lunch." The bully snarled._

 _"Seriously?" Max coughed, getting back up. "That's just stupidly cliché. Bullying for lunch money? You're the brightest f*cking bulb in the box, aren't you asshole?"_

 _The bully blinked at hearing that coming from a 4th grader of all people, but recovered and resorted back into rage. He sent a punch straight at Max's face and knocked his head right into to the side of the table._

 _The monitors got involved then._

 _'Of f*cking course, they would.' Max thought as his vision started clouding with black fuzz. 'They'd get involved_ after _the kid gets the shit gets beat out of him. Now they're liable.'_

 _He couldn't be sure if he blacked out or not, but the next conscious thoughts occurred on the bed in the nurse's office._

 _The school sent him home early to recover. The bully got a couple detentions, but aside from that… Max knew this wasn't the end. Not by a long shot._

 _"Max? What are you doing back home?" His mother asked, upset. She lay on the sofa, nursing a headache with an icepack. She got those more often these days._

 _"I got sent home for fighting."_

 _"WHAT?! Oooh!" She grimaced at her own voice as she shifted to look through the bleary headache at him. "… Why is your jaw bruised."_

 _"If you_ listened _, you'd know I got beat up at school."_

 _"You're picking fights?!"_

 _"You're picking fights?" They both turned to see Max's dad stalk out of his lair._

 _"No,_ he _was the one who started it."_

 _Max's dad let out a bark of laughter, "That's what they all say."_

 _"Krishna!" Max's mother scolded. "Not. Helping."_

 _Max's father grumbled as he leaned against the wall. Max's mother looked back, "Max. We will discuss this later. For now, go to your room."_

 _"But-"_

 _"Room! Now!"_

* * *

 _Max was 10._

 _"How long do I have to be here?"_

 _"Until the end of summer, Max."_

 _"What day are you supposed to you pick me up?"_

 _"I'll figure that out, Max." His mother responded irritably before picking up her vibrating phone and raising the window as she began her business call._

 _Max watched the car rumble down the gravel-dirt road._

 _He stood there, stunned._

 _His suitcase at his side._

 _Footsteps approached and a shadow appeared next to him._

 _He looked up._

 _"Helloooo, Mr. First-Camper-Here! Now, you're a few days early, but I'm sure we can have a swell time! My name is David, and welcome to Camp Campbell!"_

 _…_

 _"F*ck."_

* * *

The liquid clouded over and turned silvery like mercury as it started swirling again. Max stared at the swirling fluid that briefly gave a highlight reel of a couple of the shittier points of his life. If they wanted the whole story, they'd be there for the next week… maybe two.

Daniel clucked his tongue in mock sympathy. "Oh, poor Max. Poor, poor Max. Adults against you. No real friends… barely whatever constitutes a real family."

Daniel circled the boy, still staring into the depths of the basin, "Alone, afraid, and without any help at all. That is definitely _human_ society right there."

He leaned in closer, "But Zeemuug can help."

Max scoffed.

"No, no, really! I mean, Zeemuug _himself_ isn't going to change anything. In all honesty that's more metaphorical. But the _community_ of Zeemuug is what matters!"

"Still not interested, cult-man." Max sneered, still not looking his direction.

"But don't you understand? A community. A place where we look after each other. Where everyone is everyone's parents and brothers and sisters. Where we love each other like family. One enormous family."

He circled around the quiet boy.

"Where someone is always there to take you to school.

"Where someone is always there to hold a shield against the storm.

"Where someone always has time for things that are important to you.

"Where no one needs to bully one another.

"Where everyone is there to help tend your wounds and tell you it'll all be better and it will _be_ better.

"Where children can be children.

"Where adults don't drink.

"Where people care. _Really care!_ "

He stared Max eye-to-eye. " _That_ is what we offer."

Max was silent.

"Don't you want that, Max?"

…

"I want to see something." Max finally mumbled.

Daniel's eyebrows raised, but acquiesced and stepped aside to let Max walk up to the swirling basin of potion. He watched as Max used some of his less-important books as a stool to get a better view of the basin itself. "Just focus on where, when, or who you want to see." He instructed.

Max concentrated on the bowl and it slowly swirled.

Camp Campbell faded into view. It looked God-awful in the wake of the tornado. He recognized bits and pieces of the camp strewn around, but so much was demolished it would be a miracle if penny-pinching Campbell sank a cent into repairing it.

He kept looking and it shifted.

* * *

 _David stood in front of the Campers, smiling, but with a somber solemnity to it. "Okay, campers. We did great today looking for your things. Since evening's coming, let's all head to the Counsellor's Cabin for tonight! It'll be like one, big sleepover!"_

 _He grinned at the assembled campers, who looked disheveled and miserable with a few bits and pieces of their stuff in baskets David probably weaved himself after the accident. They quietly walked towards the cabin._

 _Gwen stayed behind, "Well, I can't say I'm going to enjoy sharing my room with 10 other brats."_

 _"Oh, come on, Gwen," David tried, "It'll be fun."_

 _"Yeah, until the paperwork comes in."_

* * *

"You see?" Daniel said, leaning in at Max's side. "They don't really care. You're gone to them and they've already moved on. That's all you really are to them; a name and more work for them. Life goes on for them, don't you think you deserve the same?"

Max stood silently in front of the basin. He didn't care. He _didn't_. They were all shitty human beings, same as him. Expecting anything else was pointless.

They didn't matter, anyway.

No one did.

He tried talking, probably something with copious swearing and cynical uncaring, but he had to swallow a couple of times to dislodge something in his throat.

Probably just… dry mouth from whatever the squirrels used to gag him.

"Max? Don't you see?" The Warlock continued, smiling warmly, "There is hope for you here. There's _family_ here. There are people who care here… Why don't you see reason?"

Max glanced up.

The offer… sounded slightly _less_ shitty than before.

"You know, souls are tricky things." Daniel elaborated. "They're the center-point of our being, but not our consciousness or awareness, but our emotional connection with things. If you get rid of that, everything just becomes… blank. Like those artistic, emotional-vomit paintings are just whitewashed over. The canvas and frame remain, but the emotional turmoil… just… fades…"

…

Max…

…

Max didn't know what to feel right now.

Or if he wanted to _feel_ at all.

Emotions are just shitty baggage we carry around. It hurts and that's all it does… Why would anyone willingly let something like that just… eat at them?

Daniel unfurled a long piece of parchment in front of him, offering another jet-black quill.

He held up his hands. "No mind-powers this time. Promise."

Max felt numb as he took the quill in his hands. It seemed almost too easy. He brushed the ridges along the feather. It was soft, but prickly, too.

"Just sign."

…

Max raised his hand up towards the contract…

…

A glint caught his attention.

His eyes flicked back to the basin, the quill lowering just a bit.

The swirling mercurial substance wasn't done.

* * *

 _Gwen watched the kids file into her and David's cabin. There were some mild murmurs over who wanted to sleep where, but no one had the energy, emotional or physical, to make their usual battle over anything._

 _She heard a tiny sniffle._

 _David quickly wiped his eye as he noticed her looking, "Sorry Gwen, I-I've just got some tornado dust in my eye."_

 _…_

 _She put a hand on his shoulder, "David… We'll find him, okay?"_

 _"You don't know that!" He cried, losing composure. "This is like Jasper all over again! Everyone looked all over for him after that stupid,_ stupid _Spooky Island bet!"_

 _"Max will be fine!" Gwen insisted. "Look, given all the shit that happens here on a daily basis and_ no one's died _, I'm starting to think no one_ can _die. Max is a pain in the ass, but he's resourceful and damn it all if he's not going to pull through this."_

 _"But-"_

 _"But, nothing! You spent all day looking as far as Sleepy Peak Peak for any trace of him! We've got half the state troopers on the lookout, too. You need to take a load off before your head explodes. We're doing everything we can, but do you think Max wants to see you worry like this?"_

 _…_

 _"Scratch that, he probably might."_

['You're wrong.' A tiny voice waaay in the back of Max's brain replied]

 _"You're working as hard as you can, David. We'll find him. I mean, how can an entire_ house _just disappear?"_

 _David didn't laugh, but he lost the teary-eyed air of defeat. He stood up with quiet, stoic determination and looked around, "I haven't checked across the Lake. There's still 20 miles up North that Neil calculated the Mess Hall might've landed. I'll start there. Keep the campers occupied. Maybe move up the 'makeshift shelter' activity for tomorrow."_

 _Gwen sighed, but smiled. "You want to take the QuarterMaster, too?"_

 _"No, keep him here to help with repairs. I'll keep the two-way and radio in every half hour, alright? I'll show you the route I'm planning tonight."_

 _Gwen nodded and walked back to the cabin, picking up some spare sleeping bags and a cooler of supplies on the way there._

 _David stayed and looked out at the horizon, planning the route he'd take._

 _"Don't worry, Max. We'll find you."_

* * *

…

They didn't matter.

None of them did.

 _None_ of them mattered to him.

…

Max wiped his eye with his shoulder, gruffly. Stupid potion fumes were irritating his eyes.

Stupid potions.

Stupid warlocks.

Stupid David.

…

Stupid everyone…

…

He set down the quill and looked the warlock square in his icy-blue eyes. "Yeah, hard pass, cult-man."

The warm, calm smile melted into an enraged snarl. He grabbed Max's hoodie by the collar but roared as his hands started smoking. Max was shoved backwards into the table as Daniel stumbled back, glaring at his red, burnt hands.

His snarl quirked into an unpleasant grin, "Fine, Maxwell. We tried my 'nice' way. Now, we'll see how well you handle my little 'playroom'. I'm sure the Iron Maiden would just _love_ to make your acquaintance."

He cackled as Max felt his face flush pale. The warlock waltzed out of the doors to the laboratory, slamming them shut behind him.

Waiting only a second for the evil laughter to fade, Max leapt at the doors, but they were stuck fast. He tried the windows, but they were unbreakable, even when he threw a chair straight into the pane.

He was trapped.

* * *

 **AN: I read a fic about Max's parents that made a lot of sense or was at least really interesting; the theory was that he's one of those 'oh-how-awful babies' from a third world or somewhere in a bad situation that you hear rich/famous people adopting for the good publicity. Then, they pretty much don't bother with the kid outside of basic necessities or 'buy-away-the-problem' tactics.**

 **But, I didn't want to steal their thunder and I'd already written up the scenes. I thought it'd be a shame to waste them.**

 **I had some background in mind. I was thinking Max's dad would be like a kind of 'let-down' kid in his own parents' eyes (maybe he's second-gen in the US). Where he didn't be as successful as his other siblings, where he didn't measure up for some prestigious University, where he gave up and sort-of spiraled out of control. I don't know if this actually happens or not, but it seems plausible. Whereas his mom is more obsessive to provide for the family, is over-stressed and over-worked and underappreciated.**


	12. Chapter 12

**AN: Hello again!**

 **This chapter is a lot more light-hearted than the last!**

 **Enjoy!**

 **-Crow**

* * *

"What are we going to do?!" Neil cried. "Max is gone and we're stuck in the middle of the Warlock's Territory! We're dead! We're worse than dead; our souls are practically sacrificial chickens by now!"

"Get a grip, soldier!"

*SWAT!*

"Thanks." Neil mumbled, rubbing his cheek where Nikki smacked him.

"Don't mention it." Nikki replied happily, "Now, we've got to keep our heads! Max is at that castle which means we need to get there and FAST! C'mon people work with me; what've we got?"

"We have sticks." Space Kid volunteered, holding up said article.

"We have… us…?" Neil ventured.

"I LIKE THOSE ODDS!" Nikki exclaimed, paws on her hips.

"Ugh, Nikki, be realistic!" Neil retorted. "Do you really think we can get through to Max from inside the castle of the Warlock of the West? We'll be shredded to ribbons! Or worse… burned…"

The chimera lost her sense of humor and narrowed the gap between them fast to stare him dead in the eye.

"Neil, I'm gonna say this once and I'm not going to repeat myself! Max is in danger! Yeah, he's a whiny bastard! Yeah he can kinda be a douche! Yeah he sometimes feels like he doesn't care about anyone, but don't you remember? He was willing to go there and die; DIE, NEIL! He was willing to get tortured, killed, or worse by the Warlock for _our_ wishes! The Wizard didn't even include his own wish in the deal. He would've gone there himself for us and I'm gonna do the same!"

Neil looked down in shame. Max was kind of a bastard, but he seemed to care even when he said he didn't.

"Fine."

"YAAAAY!" Space Kid shouted.

Nikki-beast smiled, "Now, let's go find us a Warlock."

* * *

They snuck along the ridge on the far side of the castle entrance. The doors were enormous monstrosities that practically screamed "NO SOLICITERS". They watched as a gaggle of small people marched in front of it.

They all wore bleached-white clothing with the same vacant stare. Even from here, their unified march song echoed through the valley, " **We love you, Daniel. We love you, Daniel. We love you, Daniel**."

"By Luna, that's creepy." Neil-crow shuddered.

"It must be his army of zombies." Nikki concluded, "I heard rumors, but never actually saw any of them."

"Well, it's not like any of us can get by them." Space Kid replied, crossing his _white-material_ -suit-covered arms.

His _white_ clothing.

And his _white_ space suit.

…

"Neil?"

"Oh, yeah."

"What? What are you guys looking at me like that for?"

* * *

Space Kid toddled down the road to the castle. If he had pores, he'd be sweating enough to drown in his suit, but for now, all he could do was stop his dentures from chattering and his eyes from swiveling too much.

" **Hello, comrade!** "

"Wah!" Space Kid jumped. Behind him was a large boy with fiery red hair, pristine white, but slightly torn clothing, and a squat nose. He tried his best to imitate the vacant voice. " **H-hello!** "

" **You are unfamiliar to me. Tell me, what is the secret password?** " He asked pleasantly.

"P-pass, eh-hem, **Password?** "

" **Yes. Lord Daniel's password. Please answer quickly or I will be forced to kill you**." The boy smiled unflinchingly as he pulled out a sharp, dagger-like knife.

"Um, uh, um… **We love you, Daniel?** "

…

…

" **Glad to see a new face!** " The brainwashed boy replied, stowing away the knife. " **I am Slave Designation #304-A. But I go by Nurf**."

" **O-Oh, I'm uh, call me Neil… I mean, Nate!** " He stammered.

" **Hello Neileyemeannate. Welcome.** " Nurf walked away blankly.

Space Kid huffed a lungless sigh and toddled his way towards an enormous bin of pure white clothes. He sifted through quickly and pulled out several. "Perfect!"

* * *

"This isn't going to work!" Neil cried, itching at the white sweater he wore over his usual scarecrow clothing. "I mean, you don't even wear-"

"Shh! Quiet! Here they come!" Nikki hushed in a loud whisper, pulling her white t-shirt further over her arms and shuffled in her white overalls. " **Eh-hem. Greetings Comrades!**

" **Greetings**." They returned, walking onwards.

"…I honestly can't believe that worked." Neil deadpanned.

"Well, believe it! We're getting in there and nothing is gonna stop us!"

"Will, like, whoever is shouting just shut uuuuup!" A voice whined from the other room.

They peered in and saw three winged-monkey girls soaking in a mud bath with facial masks and cucumbers over their eyes. Their hair done up in a white fluffy towel.

…

"One thing is gonna stop us." Nikki whispered maliciously.

* * *

"Did we really need to do that?" Space Kid asked.

"Yes." Nikki replied seriously.

* * *

*ding!*

"Times up, ladies!" Sasha chirped, as she stopped the egg timer at their side. "Now we wash, moisturize, and get ready for the shiatsu we ordered."

"Ugh! I cannot _wait_ to get rid of these knots in my back. Seriously, flying is such a stresser." Erin groaned, lightly massaging her back.

"I heard stress gets you _wrinkles_ _earlier_." Tabii whispered in horror.

They shuddered.

"Well, ladies," Sasha continued, "It's time to take off the exfoliation mask."

They removed the cucumbers-

"AIIIEEEEEE!"

Their fur was a garish, funky tie-die mix of blues, greens, pinks, and orange. Their facemask cream was mixed with something else, so after wiping it off, they were greeted with an allergic reaction of hives and boils. Worse yet, their hair… or rather, lack thereof.

"MY HAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRR!"

* * *

Neil shuddered.

"I feel a disturbance in the Universe. As though a great demon has been awoken." He muttered nervously.

"Yeah, probably nothing." Nikki replied casually. "Definitely nothing that may or may not bite us in the butt at a later point in the storyline."

"What?"

"Nevermind."

"Pssst! Guys! Over here!" They saw Space Kid waving them forward from his spot behind a pillar. They peered over to see it was an elevated balcony above what looked like a torture room/sacrificial altar.

They nearly whimpered at the sight of the Wicked Warlock Daniel, himself, humming as he polished the spikes of another device. A monkey guard, the one with the snake-eyes, hobbled forward (an ice pack still strapped to his groin).

"Lord Daniel, sir?"

"Yes, Pikeman?" The man turned, glaring at the underling.

"T-the preparations are complete."

"Excellent! We'll let him stew up there for a while longer, but believe me; he'll be wishing he'd accepted my proposal earlier." The Dark One walked out of the room, either not seeing or not caring that his minion shuddered violently before taking his own leave.

"Did you hear that?" Nikki exclaimed quietly. "Max is still alive!"

"But for how much longer?" Neil whispered nervously.

"Ooh! Ooh! I have an idea!" Space Kid hopped with his hand in the air.

He walked over to a nearby zombie-kid mopping the floors. The space-enthusiast ignored Neil and Nikki's panicked whispers of him to get back over to them and waddled right up to the servant.

" **Excuse me, do you know where the prisoner is?** "

" **Of course; down that hall, to the right, keep going past a couple suits of armor, then take a left and he's in the room with the big, red doors. You can't miss it.** "

" **Thank you! We love Daniel!** "

Space Kid waved to the vacant-eyed boy as he resumed mopping before toddling over to a stunned Nikki and Neil.

"Hey, guys! I figured out where Max is!"

* * *

 **AN: Excited for tomorrow!**

 **-Crow**


	13. Chapter 13

**AN: NOT DEAD!**

 **I know I've been MIA for a while, but I'm still kicking!**

 **It's shorter than I realized, but I'm rather proud of myself for one particular phrase in this one.**

* * *

"RrrrrraAAAGH!" Max heaved another chair at the glass pane, but had to quickly dodge as it bounced right backwards.

He jabbed a fire poker into the doors and didn't even chip the wood. Actually, being an underweight 10-year-old meant he wouldn't have done much anyway.

He pulled everything he could in the room in case there was a secret passage somewhere, but in the end he just got a lot of books lying on the ground and a broken the arm on a bust that looked suspiciously similar to Campbell.

He gave one more push on the doors before he growled angrily in defeat and kicked the door until his toe was sore.

"This is hopeless! You stupid! F*cking! Door!" He shouted, enunciating each word with another kick, earning another wave of pain to his jammed toe.

Defeated and in pain, he sank to the floor panting and grunting and punching the wood in the last throes of what might as well be a tantrum until finally, rage spent, he gave up.

He curled in on himself, stopping only when he felt something slightly-solid press into his stomach. Reaching into his expansive hoodie pocket, he pulled out the stuffed bear he had as a companion the entire trip.

…

"Any ideas, Mr. Honeynuts?"

…

"Didn't think so." He whispered, hugging it closer. Who gives a shit? Yeah, it's a stuffed bear. Yeah, he kept it since pre-K. So. F*cking. What?

"I'm gonna die, anyways." He mumbled mostly to himself.

He was stuck here forever, even if he did get out of this cult-freak's clutches. This 'Wizard' bullshit wouldn't help him in the slightest.

He'd never get home.

He'd probably never eat a decent slice of pizza again. Or a burger.

Or play another video-game.

Or see his _normal_ friends instead of the doppelgangers.

David should probably just give up.

…

He stood up from the edge of the floor and walked over to the basin, still swirling quietly in the center of the room. He focused again:

* * *

 _David grunted as he hauled himself and his small pack higher on the small mountain. He was straining, clearly tired, but still not giving up._

 _His hand grabbed another rock perch-_

 _*crumble*_

 _"AAAAAHHH!"_

* * *

"DAVID!" Max exclaimed outside the basin.

* * *

 _David's fall was interrupted by a convenient sturdy tree branch anchored into the rock face. The adult took shuddering breaths to try to calm himself as he clung to the small plant before he reached over and grabbed another rock perch, careful to make sure it was steady._

 _And then, he kept going._

* * *

"No! Stop, you idiot!" Max shouted at the image.

But picture-David was still climbing.

"I'm not worth it! You f*cking idiot! You're going to kill yourself!" Max kept shouting uselessly at him. "I can't get back. It won't matter… I'm not worth it…"

His voice got fainter as the image faded to the reflective mercury of the potion. David was still going. He didn't know where Max was or if he was still alive, but he _cared_ enough to try.

That caring would get him killed!

And for what? Max wasn't there! He wasn't even on Earth anymore!

He imagined David returning to Camp hours, maybe days later. Beaten up, exhausted, frustrated. Finally broken like he'd always wanted. Broken out of that 'sunshine-and-daisies' attitude to see just how shitty the world really is outside of his little fantasy.

It wasn't as satisfying as he'd wanted.

In fact, it felt like he had to swallow some bile in the back of his throat.

Imagining David finally giving up after months, maybe years of trying so hard to locate him. Maybe even just hoping to find his tiny skeleton amid some decimated rubble as closure. Only to find nothing. Ever.

He'd be heartbroken.

He'd finally 'get with the program'.

Max would have finally… beaten David…

…

Max sighed as he thought to himself. He was the shittiest kid in camp. He was a shitty brat destined to be a shitty adult in a shitty world and die in some shitty way like everyone else.

So _why_ was David trying so hard? Why _care_?

" _Because someone **fucking** has to._"

…

…

…

The Warlock would be here soon.

It didn't matter anyways.

He probably already got his frie- travelling companions.

The mercurial fluid responded to his thoughts, showing a new image.

* * *

 _Nikki and Neil were holding Space Kid sideways between them like a battering ram._

 _"Okay, Neil, ready?! On three!" Nikki shouted._

 _"I-I'm not sure how effective this-"_

 _"GOOOO!" Space Kid screamed excitedly._

 _"THREE!"_

 _They swung Space Kid back, head poised towards a familiar, red-_

* * *

*SMASH!*

Max jumped as a few splintered fragments of wood flew out of the recently-opened doors to his prison-room.

The dust cleared and three figures climbed their way through.

"Hi Max!"

"Guys!" He ran up to them, avoiding the rubble, "For once, it's actually great to see you!"

"C'mon, hurry up!" Neil ushered from the broken doorframe, "We have to get out before they find us!"

"Not without that dagger," Max asserted.

"Forget the dagger! Forget the wishes! Forget the Wizard!" Nikki shouted, "For once, I agree with straw-for-brains-" "HEY!" "We need to get out of here Pine-Sap!"

"You mean; ASAP?"

She gave him a weird look, "Are you messing with me?"

woooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"Guys, c'mon, we gotta hurry!" Neil cried over the siren echoing through the prison break siren.

* * *

The Dark Warlock Daniel sipped his grape-flavored punch contentedly. His grin widened as he heard the obnoxiously-loud siren indicating a break-out was in progress.

This definitely made things more fun.

The chase was on.

* * *

 **AN: I'd like to point out, that was the first time I'd ever written 'f*ck' properly in a fic and I thought I'd use it for this special occasion.**

 **By-the-way, I don't have the Rooster Teeth 'First' thing, so I'm an episode behind like everyone else without a stable-enough income to afford something like that. No spoilers! Thank you.**


	14. Chapter 14

**AN: Probably one of the longer chapters.**

 **Quick warning for death and a little bit of descriptive body horror. Dunno if it really deserves an "M" or not, but... yeah, fair warning.  
**

* * *

"On your left!" Max shouted, dodging another zombified villager. Nikki took an extra second to groin-stomp the (male) villager before catching up. Max had to admit, her tactics definitely kept them from going after them.

" **GRRR!** " They shouted in surprise as they skidded to avoid a huge, hulking figure in white. They lost him in an archway where his hugeness kept him from fitting. The groaning and growling behind him indicated the rest of the brainwashed-Ones were stuck there for the time being, too.

They blindly followed corridors, taking whatever way seemed to lead somewhere or not have an army of white-wearing weirdos coming down them.

The group found themselves in one of the spacious courtyards of the castle filled with boxes and carts lying about and heard the swoosh of wings above them.

"Hello, Maxwell."

"Zit-face." Max spat back. The three Woodscout-doppelganger monkeys landed in front of them, smug-faced.

"That's not nice, Maxwell. I'm sure Lord Daniel will be pleased to _extract_ that out of your personality in your Cleansing sessions. Heheheheh!" He chuckled nasally.

"Not today!" Nikki screamed, launching herself at them. Pikeman screamed as she bit his leg and only bit harder when Snake tried wrestling her off. Petrol took a more direct approach and came hulking towards the other two, grinning nastily.

"Max, lookout!"

Max moved onto a cart on the courtyard just in time to avoid a flurry of small, glass marbles spray onto the ground. Neil and Space Kid stood beside an enormous overturned crate conveniently labelled "Marbles". He watched the Petrol-monkey stumble on the orbs and land on his back, slowly rolling away.

"Newton's Law of Eat Shit! The bigger they are, the harder they fall, and the further they keep going if not influenced by another force!" Neil shouted as the stumbling monkey was carried by the marbles out the courtyard and right into the moat outside.

"Nice going!" Max congratulated. Suddenly, Nikki landed beside them as Pikeman finally managed to get her off of him.

"That's enough games, Maxwell! Petrol, get-… Petrol?" The leader noticed his heavy-hitter was nowhere in sight. "Uh… Snake! Plan Delta!"

They both hid amid the rubble, but the four could hear them shuffling around. Max grabbed a wooden plank, ready to beat the living crap out of them. Neil nervously clung to a stick. Space Kid brought out his trusty laser gun and Nikki protruded her claws.

Meanwhile, with the Woodscouts.

" _Alright, Snake, on my cue, I want you to hide in that convenient box over there until I give the word and then we surprise attack them_." Pikeman whispered.

Snake nodded quietly and hid in a cardboard box as Pikeman watched the group nervously look around, waiting for the right moment.

" **Boy-Howdy, wouldn't you know it? The one day action actually happens around here and we're still moving boxes**." One brainwashed zombie spoke to another.

" **Yep. Just the daily grind, I guess. But we love Daniel and we will do as he commands. Hey, you missed that one.** "

" **Huh? Oh, yeah, is the shipment gone yet?** "

" **You can make it if you hurry.** "

The zombie nodded and grabbed the box, quickly sealing it with tape and rushing it over to the loading bay.

The same box with a certain monkey in it.

" _Okay, Snake? Ready_? NOW!" Pikeman shouted triumphantly as he sprang out from hiding.

…

"Snake, I said NOW!"

…

"Snake? Snake! SNAAAAAAAKE! Oof!" Pikeman was toppled over by the brown, furry force of nature known as Nikki. She did the only thing she could do, she bit his leg. "Ah! Why? Not again!"

"Hey, Max." The human glanced over at Neil who was grinning evilly while holding a green potion bottle, a label clearly written.

Max felt his own lips curl maliciously, "Perfect."

"AHHHH! No, not there! Not there!" Pikeman screeched. Finally, Space Kid ripped her off of his leg and before he could react to this change, he felt a painful impact on his skull as a glass bottle shattered. "Ow! Mother f- grrr! You are totally dead! You hear me? Dea- why is my face itchy?"

He scratched his face furiously as the green potion sank into his skin. The four watched on, two in confusion, the other two in knowing evil. Pikeman's already pockmarked face made actual popping sounds as more and more zits erupted like popcorn. His entire face became red with them as he shrieked in confusion.

Then, those zits got zits.

And those zits got zits.

And the zit's zit's zits' got zits.

And soon, a Pikeman-monkey with a towering three-foot tall head was overbalanced and lay on the ground, an enormous, almost unrecognizable, mass of red pustules with a twiggy body attached at the side.

"Nice work, Niel."

"Yeah, let's go, though. The potion label said they're still magical zits, so they'll eventually… er, 'discharge' at once." Neil admitted.

They took a second to process what that would look like.

…

"Eeeeew."

…

"C'mon!" Max shouted, leaving behind the moaning, disgusting blob.

They ran back into the castle hallways. The zombies were definitely less of an issue in this area, but they still blocked several routes with sheer density.

They broke past another couple odd brainwashed villagers and made it to a nearly-empty corridor. Max was panting from all of the running, "*huff* Okay, we seriously *huff* need a break."

"NIKKKKKIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!" A shrill screech erupted from the darkness of the hallway.

"God f*cking dammit." Max grumbled tiredly.

Then, from the darkness came three… _things_.

"WOAH! Nikki, the f*ck did you do?!" Max cried, backing away from them.

"Uh… some harmless, not-going-to-bite-us-in-the-butt fun?" She chuckled nervously.

The former Flowerscouts were completely bald of their fabulous head-hair. Their body-fur was dyed ridiculous swirls of blue, green, yellow, and pink, making disgusting patterns and colors in-between like too much food-dye mixed in icing. Their nails were sharpened and black, the manicured nail polish scraped away in their fury. Lastly, their faces and exposed skin was red and thrumming with pustules and hives.

The three creatures hissed with sharp teeth.

"F*CKING RUNNN!" Max shouted. They ran as fast as they could away from the three monkey-girls who elected to scuttle along on all fours like an unnatural cross between a beetle and a spider. Twice, Max swore he saw Tabii's head swivel a full 360.

"Neil! Throw more of that zit potion!"

"I can't! The crate only had the one bottle!"

Max swore under his breath. The girls were definitely gaining speed and given their state, he'd bet he'd be grateful in the end if they left _most_ of him intact for Daniel to brainwash.

"Idea!" Nikki screamed.

She separated from the group and ran to a specific door she flung open. She stood in front of the darkness yawning behind it, "Hey, butt-scouts! Pbbbbbbtttt!" She spat her tongue at them.

"NIKKAAAAAY!" The flower-creatures screeched, changing tracks to go after the chimera.

Nikki waited for them to get close before she jumped up and used the three as springboards to hop over all of them. The creatures flew straight through the doorway and were engulfed in the darkness. A loud series of crashes echoed upwards as it became apparent that Nikki found the basement stairs.

Nikki slammed the door shut and deadbolted it as she heard the creatures scrambling upwards and pounding against the re-enforced doors.

"That oughtta hold 'em." She said confidently clapping her hands like wiping dust.

*creak!*

"Buuuut just to be safe, go! GogoGOGO!" She screamed.

They left the echoing bangs of enraged, trapped flower scouts behind.

"Squirrels!" Neil shouted.

"Are you f*cking kidding me! Every five steps it's something new!" Max whined as the walls crawled with chittering mass of adorable fur.

*Chitter!*

Max looked next to him and saw a particular black squirrel with an eyepatch. "YOU!"

*CHATTER! Chitter squeak squeak squeakity chitter.*

Neil shrieked. "Augh! It's chattering menacingly at us!"

"F*CK THIS!" Max said, grabbing the leader and throwing him at a barrel.

As it turned out, the barrel was filled with peanut butter!

And the head squirrel drowned quickly in its creamy deliciousness!

And from the depths of the barrel, a ghostly image of a squirrel with a fine crown on its head emerged.

" _I thank you, loyal subjects_ ," the figure said in a low, deep voice, " _I, Mark the King of the Squirrels, do thank you for avenging my death in such a delicious fashion of my favorite thing to rub on myself; Peanut Butter._ "

"Yeah, yeah! Screw this!" Max said, rushing past the craziness. And it definitely wasn't because the author wanted the squirrels dealt with but was getting impatient.

Nope.

Definitely not.

* * *

Daniel stormed out of his room to the balcony where he watched his army slowly converging on the small collection of vagabonds.

The web was closing in.

It was time to make an appearance.

* * *

"We're trapped!" Neil shouted.

They had finally run out of places to go. All of the hallways were filled with brainwashed villagers in white. What's more, the woodscouts-monkeys had gotten together again; Snake was covered in packing peanuts and Petrol stinking of stagnant pond water and scum. Pikeman was nowhere to be seen.

The group huddled further together into their corner away from the advancing army.

"Well, well, well."

The corner darkened as shadows coagulated together and rose into a column that split apart like a curtain to reveal Daniel, smiling broadly. "Isn't this just… lovely?"

"Yeah," Max shot back, "fan-f*cking-tastic. Can't get any better-"

*SMASH!*

The entire group jumped as three fists erupted from the stonework floor and destroyed the surrounding cobblestones as the Flower-Scouts-from-Hell clawed their way out of the holes they dug all the way from the basement.

"God, I had to open my mouth," Max said warily backing away.

"Yes, isn't this wonderful? Everyone here, I just- wait." Daniel paused and did a quick head-count (well, glossing over the multitude of white-zombies). "Where's Pikeman?"

"I'm here, sir!"

Pikeman stumbled his way through the crowd. His head was deflated, but still red as a tomato. "Sorry, I just… um…"

"Hey, zit-face!" Max called out, "How'd you like your head matching your ego?"

"Silence, you cretin!" The monkey shouted.

"Pikeman, what are they talking about?"

"They… might have hit me with a zit-potion."

"A full bottle of pimple potion… on top of your normal face…?" Daniel questioned.

"Yes, sir."

"And the… results… 'went away' recently?"

"Yes, sir."

…

…

Daniel took a noticeable step away from the humiliated monkey-squadron-leader.

One tiny brainwashed zombie walked up, " **Ve are all set, Lord Daniel, und ve are-** "

"Hold the f*cking phone!" Max exclaimed, pointing at another Dolph-clone, but this time most certainly an exact replica of Dolph. "What the hell are you doing here!? What the-"

He looked around, seeing _all_ of his fellow campers in their Daniel-cult mode. Erid without the weird furry-fandom ears and crap. Nerris and Harrison in their actual camp clothes (just white). Even a Space-Kid (with helmet), Nikki, and Neil look-alike in the crowd.

"Why are you all here again? Didn't you show up already?! Hell, I've got Nikki and Neil right here with me!"

"Uh, what's going on?" Nikki-beast murmured to Neil-crow. He just shrugged.

The Nurf-zombie answered, " **Well, obviously you can only do so much casting with a limited set of character designs, so you'd need to compensate by featuring a recurring cast in different roles. Namely, given canonical equivalents with 'zombified' characters it was easier, albeit admittedly lazy, for a recast in this specific role relative to a specific canon-character equivalent.** "

…

"Yeeeeaaaaah, whatever." Max drew out the words. None of what Nurf-clone said made any sense. Beside him, he didn't notice a tiny sliver of a crack in the stonework of the 4th wall.

"Eh-hem," Daniel cleared his throat loudly, "Now that that's all settled, let's head to my personal chambers. I'm sure you're all dying to find out what I have in store for you."

They were led by knife-point through the halls they had blindly scrambled through before to a specific room. Inside was practically empty save for a large, glass bowl full of fruity-smelling purple potion that reminded Max briefly of a bowl they'd serve punch out of at a prom. Or at least, what proms looked like on TV.

"Now, Max. You've caused me quite a bit of trouble lately, haven't you?" Daniel spoke with a cold tone that definitely belied his internal fury. "Frist off, you incite a coup of the Witch of the East's lands. Then, you destroy one of my contracts. Those papers aren't exactly cheap, you know. Nor are the quills, for that matter. You journey all the way to my castle, destroy my guard's best defenses, use my property without my permission, and then throw my offer right into my face after my _heartfelt_ moment with you."

He faked a pout and looked at Max with big, blue eyes that tried mimicking a David-esque kicked-puppy quality to them. But having something like David on him, it looked… _wrong_. Like a bear trap disguised as a leaf pile in autumn. Or a muffin with poisoned berries.

"I'm giving you- One. Last. Chance." Daniel stated, holding out the quill and parchment again. "Sign. Or else."

Max saw it as it was this time. There was nothing good about the contract. The whole thing screamed 'Satanic-Faustian-Deal' all over it, he just couldn't see it at his low point.

"Hard pass, cult-man!" He retorted.

"Well… what's to stop me from taking, say, your _friends_." Daniel taunted, his eyes and hands crackling with red energy.

Max was suddenly restrained by two zombie-guards as Nikki-beast, Neil-crow, and Space Kid were covered in a crackling layer of red energy. They were screaming in protest as they slowly made their way to the parchment.

"Oh, if only they had a Hood-Dee, too-"

"No! STOP!"

The room was silent.

Max huffed, tiredly, "You want me? Fine. They're not on the table." He looked Daniel straight in the eye. "If I do this, I want you to let them go, alright?"

"I must say, I'm impressed, Maxwell. I didn't think you had anything like it in you." Daniel mocked, releasing his magical grip on his friends.

He shoved the parchment in front of Max's face again, holding out the quill expectantly. Max reached for the feather-

"Ahh-ah-ah," The Warlock tsk'd admonishingly. "Don't think I didn't forget your Hood-Dee. Can't have you incinerating another one of my contracts."

Max huffed angrily, slowly reaching for his hoodie zipper.

"What do you think you're doing?!" Daniel exclaimed.

"Huh?"

"I don't know what you're trying to pull, but I won't let it happen!" The Warlock suddenly pounced on the smaller human who batted him away as he realized the man was trying to get at something in his hoodie's _pockets_.

"The Hell?!"

"Ah-Ha!"

Daniel leapt back with his hands gripping-

"Mr. Honeynuts!"

Daniel, initially confused by the object, was pleased at the reaction. "Oh? I take it this is rather important to you, isn't it?"

"Give it back you f*cker!" Max shouted angrily.

"What if I don't?" The Warlock taunted. "What if I don't want to?"

"What if I shove my foot up your ass!"

Daniel's face ticced before grinning coldly, "What if I- say…"

He whirled around suddenly and grabbed a wooden torch from its metal sconce and held the burning, orange flame up menacingly.

"What if I burnt your precious 'Mr. Honeynuts'?" Holding the flame ever closer to the foot of the stuffed bear.

"NO! YOU BASTARD!" Max roared. He did the only thing he could think of, he gripped the underside of the nearest liquid material (in this case, the potion) and overturned it onto the flame and, subsequently, Daniel.

…

"Wha- What?" Daniel stuttered frightfully. His trembling turned quickly to rage, "WHAT HAVE YOU DOOOOONNNNEEEE!"

Daniel dropped the bear (thankfully devoid of the mystery potion) which Max caught immediately as the Warlock stumbled away, clutching his head and shouting incoherently. Max was horrified as smoke and steam started sizzling off of it. The cult leader made his way to his vanity mirror and gasped in horror.

Before whirling around.

"OH, JESUS F*CKING CHRIST!"

Daniel's face was rotting.

It wasn't rotting like becoming a zombie all gaunt and decomposing. It was rotting like meat left out in the sun in summer. His skin was an unhealthy yellow-gray tinge. His eye sockets drooped drastically around the sensory organs. His hair fell out in chunks and flesh and skin sloughed off like bloody, raw hamburger patties.

"I'M MELTING! I'M MELTING!"

"YEAH, NO F*CKING SHIT!"

Daniel slowly stumbled his way towards them, hate in his eyes, but his feet and body making nauseating 'slorch' sounds with each step as more and more sloughed off onto a bloody streak on the ground. The chunks of what came off literally melted into puddles of red-brown liquid that smelled like some putrid soup at the bottom of a compost bin.

Daniel, with half of his face skeletal and the other half well on its way, sent a stare of absolute hatred and fury at the small boy before the frame collapsed into a clatter of wet bones and squishy, rotted flesh. Even as they watched, the bones liquefied and the clothes were eaten away as they joined the rest in a growing puddle of Daniel sizzling and smoking quietly on the floor.

…

…

"Outta mah way."

The QuarterMaster Doppelganger (?) walked past the amassed crowd of horrified viewers with a mop and bucket in hand. He slowly started dragging the mop over the brown-red puddle and squeezed it into the bucket. Rinse and repeat.

…

…

"H-holy, f*cking shit." Max mumbled quietly.

"Well, what'd you expect, child? A pile of black clothes and a witch's hat? Heh. Someone melting ain't a pretty sight." The QuarterMaster grumbled back, not stopping his macabre visceral cleanup duty.

…

"That is seriously f*cked up."

* * *

They assembled at the front gates. With Daniel gone, the brainwashed citizens returned to their rightful state of mind and happily saw the others out. The winged monkeys had 'flown the coop' back to the Jungle where Nikki promised they'd have to deal with _her_ later. The sun had come out and shone happily over the entire valley signifying the oppressive presence was finally gone forever.

"Yeah, I liked this place better before," Max mumbled, glaring at the chittering squadron of kind little squirrels. He glared back at them as one made the 'I'm-watching-you' sign.

One of the villagers (the Preston-look-alike) ran up to him with something in his hands, "Here! Please, take it. You deserve this as a reminder of what you have accomplished for us here today."

Max took it, realizing it was the Warlock's Sacrificial Dagger itself.

Nikki gasped, "Guys! You know what that means?!"

"Uh…"

She rubbed her hands greedily. "Wishin' time!"

* * *

 **AN: Kind of wrapping things up soon.**

 **Did anyone catch the YouTuber reference?**


	15. Chapter 15

**AN: Maybe a little short, and sorry for the wait, but it's October and I wanted to start it off right!**

* * *

"WHO DARES- oh, uh, OH! IT IS YOU AGAIN! WHY DO YOU COME BEFORE ME WITHOUT FULFILLING THE TASK AT HAND! FOR THIS YOU SHOULD RECEIVE 1000 YEARS IN THE DUNGEONS!" The floating face of Campbell roared.

"Check it." Max countered, taking the dagger out of his pocket. "Not only that, we also took care of your little 'Evil Warlock' problem, too."

"Wait, what?"

"Yep, Daniel's dead. It's official. Ding-dong and all-that." Max replied evenly.

Now, he could see the head was sweating profusely, not believing his eyes or ears at what he was being given. "UH… UM…"

"Yeah! Now you've gotta make good on your promises, Wizard!" Nikki exclaimed excitedly. "Just a recap; I wanna be cool!"

"I want a lab!"

"I wanna go to SPAAAAACE!"

"YES, WELLL… UHHH…" The head stammered.

"C'mon, 'All-Powerful-Wizard'," Max snarked liberally using air quotes. "We did what you asked and brought you proof, too."

"I SEE, BUT… UH… YOU HAVEN'T LEARNED THE LESSON YET!" The head replied, perking up.

"F*cking WHAT?!" Max roared.

"A LESSON ON HUMILITY… AND PATIENCE… AND ACCEPTING DISAPPOINTMENT WITH GRACE AND DIGNITY," the head said

"THAT'S COMPLETE F*CKING BULLSHIT!"

The group looked at Max, who was equally startled and they all turned to-

Space Kid?!

"Mr. Wizard! I may not be the brightest, or the smartest, or the best at thinking, or… uh… the brightest! But I know when you're just pulling our legs! We risked our lives for you and you're just pulling straws to get out of your promise!" The floating dentures argued angrily. "So, you know what?! You're gonna give us our wishes as a thank you for what we did _for you_!"

The small boy kicked an ornament on the floor angrily.

Only for it to spark suddenly and the face to distort on the smoky backdrop. Max saw the smoke cloud illuminated by those 'movie camera' light rays you always think actually show up from a projector.

The head, which was losing definition and fritzing every few seconds. "UH.. PAY NO ATTENTION, CHILDREN… THE UH…"

But Space Kid had lost his balance, stunned by the sparks and toppled backwards into a velvet curtain decoration in the room's walls. He grasped the material-

*rrriiiiiiiip*

The curtain came right off the rungs, revealing an enormous display of beeping and blinking components, some starting to spark wildly.

And in the center of it all-

Was a large, muscular man wildly pushing buttons and pulling knobs and speaking into a low-hanging microphone. He glanced behind himself at the four confused kids and desperately tried hiding his face behind his back.

The booming voice doubled over with the original overlapping with the modified without the curtain "UH… JUST… DON'T PAY ANY ATTENTION TO THE MYSTERIOUS, GOOD-LOOKING MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN!"

The entire apparatus gave one final, explosive sparkler show before it died, along with the smoke effects and the giant head projection. The man inside frantically pushing whatever he could, even punching the materials as it whirred to a pathetic stop.

…

…

"WHAT. THE. F*CK!" Max shouted.

"Uh, I can explain!" The faux-Wizard said nervously…

…before suddenly sprinting for the exit. Unfortunately, Nikki-beast was on his legs and he was sprawled on the ground before he could make it a few steps.

"Who are you?!" Neil demanded.

Surprisingly, Max answered, "He's Cameron C. Campbell. Supposed-billionaire, supposed-philanthropist, supposed-man-of-the-wild, and most-likely a very wanted bastard in America, Russia, Taiwan, and arguably most of Europe. And owner and operator of the shittiest excuse for a scam summer camp to ever grace the planet. Am I right?"

Despite their absolute confusion, the other members of the travelling party could only watch as the small 10-year-old engaged in a heated stare-down with the older 'wizard'.

…

"You're right. Max, wasn't it? Davey always had a soft spot for you." Campbell admitted, brushing himself off and standing in front of them. "Yes, my name is Cameron Campbell, owner of a particular Summer Camp that your little friend, here, attends… or, I suppose used to attend?"

Max shrugged, "Meh, 'sfar as I'm concerned, that's not the point. What I want to know is how in the Hell are you here?"

"Heh, you always were more observant than the others, weren't you kid?" Campbell muttered. "Fine. I first came to this world by complete accident. It was 1983. I was just on my way back to the good ol' US of A from a brief vacation in Eastern Asia."

* * *

 _Cameron C. Campbell gritted his teeth angrily as he grappled the control stick of a tiny bi-plane he'd stolen… er, 'acquired' from an Asian military base. The heavy winds and rain of the monsoon was murder on his visual range, but he kept going._

 _The wing had taken damage from that one tank shell they managed to get off and the engine had started burning out half a mile over Guam, so he was working off an engine that had heavy, thick black smoke pouring out of the front hood._

 _"C'mon! C'mon! Papa needs to get back to government sanctioned protection from extradition!" He bellowed into the winds._

 _Then, his plane was forced to do a hard-left as a major gust pushed him off-course. The plane's engine made stuttering sounds before it shuddered to a stop._

 _Campbell's enraged cries of denial were boarderline hysterical as the plane spiraled out of control. Through the blurred and rotating world, he could make out the ocean waves rapidly approaching._

 _Then, it slowed to a stop._

 _The plane righted itself._

 _"Hah! Cameron C. Campbell wins again!"_

 _And started being pulled backwards._

 _"What the what?"_

 _The winds turned his craft behind him._

 _Towards the towering vortex of death._

 _"Oh, FUUUUUUUUUU-"_

* * *

"And that's how I ended up here!" Campbell boomed. "After that, I ended up somewhere in the countryside and decided, 'what the hey', I can live here for a while. Free from the possibility of any negative repercussions with any Earth government entities!"

…

"So that's it?" Neil asked faintly, "This whole time… you've just been one big lie?!"

"Don't look so down, boy. Sometimes life just isn't fair and you need to embrace that and move on!" Campbell replied, beaming insincerely.

"Anyways, after I found this place and a stable way to get from here to Earth in a jiffy, I figured I might learn how to exploit the land of Oz as dual Prime Minister of Thailand, Minor Oligarch of Russia, and Wizard/King/President/Emperor of Oz!"

"… what?" Nikki whispered.

Max took a second out of his haze of anger and saw his companions' faces clearly. Devastation was an absolute understatement. They were crushed, mentally and spiritually. The leader they had looked up to as a powerful, benevolent, kind influence was nothing more than a conman, liar, and cheat.

Even by his cynical standards, that had to hurt.

"Now, I learned about Ozpin a while back and I challenged him for this role in a _completely fair_ game of charades!" Campbell continued, "God, it works like a charm every time."

"It's how he got the lands for Camp Campbell from a native tribe." Max elaborated unnecessarily at this point. It didn't matter; his friends were too deep into shock to really absorb anything.

"Well, after the Parent's Day Incident landed me in Super Guantanamo, I decided I needed to lay low for a while until the heat laid off of me. I'm still angry at Davey for it, but… well, that's something for another time, don't you think?" Campbell chuckled, thought Max felt uneasy about it, "So, a quick escape from Super Guantanamo and a stolen jet later and I'm here! Ready to resume my position as the good Wizard of Campbell! Still working on changing the name of this place, though."

"So, you know that there are doppelgangers of everyone here? David, Gwen, Neil, Nikki?"

"Of course! It's hard _not_ to come across one of them. And the Davey here is just as eager to please, isn't he?" Campbell replied seriously.

"D-doppelgangers?" Neil stammered, "You mean you know us?"

"I know someone who looks _like_ you." Max corrected. "Don't look too deeply into it, you'll just get a headache. But what I'm interested in is you, Campbell. Who was your doppelganger?"

Campbell shuddered, "Ugh, don't remind me. I turned out to be some _cow farmer_. I even lost my good looks! I had a pot-belly for Christ's sake!" He sighed, "Thankfully, that was taken care of very quickly by a completely-by-chance stampeding herd of cows."

Max's gut fell through the floor. "S-so you-"

"Son, don't ask questions you don't want the answers to." Campbell warned seriously. "Anyone with a modicum of power can tell you they've done some dark things to get where they are."

…

"H-holy f*cking shit." Neil whispered.

"So, you kids want your wishes, huh?" Campbell went on, ignoring the horrified faces surrounding him. "Well, I'm sorry to say that I'm not magical in the slightest. But, Maxwell, I _can_ say I can give you _your_ wish!"

"Say wha-?"

"Exactly! I got here, so I can get us _both_ out! So, meet me in the courtyard this afternoon! Ta-ta!" And with that Campbell vanished behind the curtains to some hidden escape route in the walls.

…

…

* * *

They somehow stumbled their way out back onto the lawn, this time without any guard escort.

…

…

…

"I… I can't believe it." Nikki whispered brokenheartedly. "All this time."

"I can't believe we were all duped for so long." Neil agreed.

Space Kid didn't respond, but his floating eyeballs leaked like crazy into the depths of his space suit. Max didn't even feel the need to cringe this time at the anatomical impossibility.

He… honestly felt really shitty for them. For once, he wasn't the one who caused the suffering, but he could empathize with them. This shit-head thought he could get away with this? No way in Hell.

…

But at the same time… he had an opportunity to leave. Who was he to just… leave what was probably his best and only chance to get back home?

He honestly felt… just… bad.

He cleared his throat awkwardly. "Hey, guys?"

"No, Max, don't." Neil said, smiling softly, "It's not your fault and we don't want you to feel guilty about your wish."

"Yeah," Nikki agreed, "You deserve to at least get back home. We'll miss you, yeah, but it isn't fair to keep you here if you don't want to."

"I mean, our wishes aren't out of the question!" Space Kid said perkily.

"Yeah! I can still apply for a position here to get into one of the city's labs! With Campbell under our thumb, he can probably give a good recommendation."

"And those Flower-Scouts are totally going to bow at my feet when I get back to the jungle! Ha! I'll be the coolest cat/dog/hog in the jungle!"

"And our space program is making huge strides in interstellar transportation! If I study hard enough and follow a military or specialized career path, I can get into the space program eventually!"

"But _you_ probably only have this one chance to get back home." Nikki finished, the others nodding along with her, "Yeah, we're disappointed, but… we want you to be happy too. Even if it's not with us."

…

Max blinked.

…

*fwip-hug-fwip*

…

"That never happened!" Max shouted vehemently. It took a second to process it, but the three others could confirm, Max _did_ indeed hug all three if incredibly briefly.

"Aww, Max-" Nikki cooed, eyes growing wide.

"Seriously! Don't look too deeply into this!" Max threatened.

"GROUP HUG!"

"WHAT!? NO-AUUUGH!" Max couldn't protest further as he was immediately suffocated in a four-way hug with him in the center. Being pretty much the smallest one there, meant he couldn't duck under anyone's legs like a smothering great-aunt at Christmas.

When they let go, Max was burying his head in his raised shoulders to express his grumpy displeasure.

"C'mon," Nikki replied. "Let's go see what the "Whizz-ard" wants. Eh? Eh? Get it, I said 'whizz', like pee! 'Cause he's a loser! *snort*!"

They groaned at the pitiful pun and made their way to the courtyard.

* * *

 **AN: Okay, people, let's start wrapping it up!**


	16. Chapter 16

**AN: Second-to-last chapter. It's been fun.**

* * *

Max and Co. arrived at the courtyard to find it already teeming with inhabitants. Evidently word spread about the Wizard's 'stunt', though most kept whispering about how he was set to make a grand send-off for a vacation to a far-off land of fellow wizard brethren.

The Doorguard-Preston saw them and immediately ordered a guarded escort through the crowd to the grand podium where they were expecting the Wizard to make an appearance at any second.

"Hello, Max!" Chimed a familiar voice.

"Ugh! Why?!" Max groaned.

The Good Warlock David grinned happily in the face of Max's exasperation, "Well, a little birdy told me what happened and I'm so proud of you! Taking on the Dark Warlock all on your own and freeing his entire army of slaves all in one day!"

He bent down and shook Max's hand, "You've done more for this kingdom than anyone else in our entire history!"

"Uh, you're welcome?" Max replied awkwardly maneuvering his hand out of David's grasp. "Soooo, how does this work exactly?"

"Well, the wizard instructed all of us to prepare for his departure to a mystical land that you came from!" David exclaimed, "He's decided to take you all the way there and take time out of his busy schedule to catch up with his fellow wizards in the land beyond!"

The four glanced at each other quietly, "Uh… David?"

"Yes, Max?"

"There's something you need to-"

"HAHAHAHA!"

The entire courtyard was drawn upwards to see Cameron Campbell, aka the Wizard of Campbell, aka the Prime Minister of Thailand piloting a rickety old bi-plane above them. Smoke streamed from the engine, but it seemed stable and functional.

"So long, suckers! I'm off to Earth once more! Next stop, that African Warlord who owes me $50 in poker money! Wooo-hooo!"

With that, and a few more sputters, the craft and the "Wizard" vanished above the clouds and was gone from sight.

Leaving an entire courtyard filled with citizens gaping.

…

…

Nikki gasped, "Max!"

But she looked around.

He was gone.

* * *

"rrrrrRRRRAAAAAGGGGHHHH!" Max roared, throwing another large rock into the green stone of the Wizard's tower.

"STUPID F*CKING TORNADO! STUPID F*CKING OZ! STUPID STUPID F*CKING DAVID! AND STUPID F*CKING ASSF*CK-WIPE SON OF A BITCH CAMPBELL!" He hurled another stone through the Wizard-Tower's windows with a satisfying shatter.

His lungs expanded.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

He took a shuddering breath and collapsed to his knees, panting and throat sore.

…

…

"Son of a motherf*cking bitch," He rasped quietly.

…

"Max? Max!"

He barely had time to look behind him before he was engulfed in a now-familiar smothering of brown fur. "Nikki? Wha-"

"Max, this is total bullshit!" She exclaimed tearfully. Neil and Space Kid were right behind her.

"I can't believe he did something so… so…!" Neil stammered.

"He's a ********** **************** with a **************** ****** ********* and ******** with his mother's ************** ******* ********* so he can't ************ and needs to **** sideways!" Space Kid shouted outraged.

…

…

Wow

…

Er, narration, yeah, 'kay, alright.

For a second, all they could do was stare. Even by _Max_ 's standards. That was an impressive swear, coming from Space Kid no less.

"Guys, thanks, but… really, it's no big deal." Max lied.

"What are you talking about, Max? It's a huge deal!" Neil shouted. But before Max could argue back, a new voice entered the fray.

"He's right."

They turned towards the source and saw a dejected-looking David awkwardly rubbing his forearm. His robes seemed sullener, matching his appearance/mood.

"Max… what Campbell did today… was unfair and wrong…" David began.

"Wait, are you… actually _not_ defending him?" Max interrupted incredulously.

"Yes," The Warlock nodded firmly, "Your friends filled me in on what they heard when he spoke to you. I didn't believe it at first… or… I guess I didn't _want_ to believe it.

"He seemed like such a great man. I guess I just got caught up in the image too deep to see him for what he really was and others suffered for it." He hung his head and even his hair-floof drooped. "I guess, what I'm trying to say is… I'm sorry. I'm sorry for getting your hopes up. I'm sorry for sending you here. And I'm so, so sorry that you're stuck here."

…

"T-thank you, David."

The Warlock's depressed miasma cleared slightly with a faint smile as Max actually thanked him significantly louder than before.

"Don't get me wrong, though, you're still an annoying piece of shit." Max quickly added.

David chuckled good-naturedly, his robe colors actually brightening with his mood. "Well, at least some things don't change." He glanced back at the setting sun and grinned. "You know, you guys still defeated the Dark Warlock, right?"

"Yeah?"

"So… I think that calls for a Celebration!" David exclaimed, a burst of confetti conjured from his palm raining down around them.

He twirled on his heel every so often as he led them back to the city and started listing the food, the games, and the people that would happen with the planned festival.

* * *

Max had to admit, for being sprung on them all last-minute, the People of Oz could really put together a party.

The food ranged from actual meals in feast-style to carnival funnel-cake and junk food for people walking around the booths and tables. The entire city was one big celebration as streets were cordoned off for mini-parades, games, and shows unlike anything he'd ever seen before.

Space Kid had a blast on the rides they set up, especially the space-themed rocket ride that spun them around like a wash-cycle.

Neil entered a quiz show and won a free set of encyclopedias for coming in first place.

Nikki made a killing on the games, earning tickets for feats of strength or stamina and cashing them in for a big stuffed platypus (and some spider-rings and junk prizes, 'cause there's _always_ leftover tickets to waste).

Max, for the most part, was content to stay in the background. It was fun hanging out with these guys again. Like being in camp again, but if they did something in civilization like a carnival or something. He mostly happily stuffed his face with the free snacks offered out and awkwardly avoided the weirdly-dressed citizens of Chartreuse City magnanimously congratulating him or asking them about the Wizard.

David had done a great job deflecting those types of questions, but they'd still crop up every so often.

Somewhere during the excitement, Max almost nodded off at the feast table with an unfinished plate of samosas in front of him.

He came-to when David shook him by the shoulder. By then, the festivities had wound down to the cooler, crisper night-life and the sun was in the darkening evening.

"Hey, Max? There's one last thing we wanted you for."

* * *

Max and David arrived at a small section of a local city park that was fairly removed from the rest of the celebrations. The huge trees and rocks and dirt paths reminded him of Camp, oddly enough. Max could see Nikki-beast, Neil-crow, and Space Kid grinning in the clearing along with several other faces.

One of the Lilliputian Dolphs was there. Zombie-Nurf (without the brainwashed blankness) stood close to Harrison the Apprentice Magician. Nerris the Cute waved eagerly next to Erid the Puma-Lioness. Preston the Doorguard stood in his poofiness energetically waving and chugging a soda from the party.

And one last face he hadn't anticipated.

"Gwen?!"

David beamed happily. "Oh, yeah! Turns out, after you gave her that tablet, thingy, she's been a lot better! She is no longer Gwen the Peeved! She is the now-reformed Gwen-the-Mildly-Annoyed!"

"Sup." She raised a hand unenergetically. "So, you sticking around for this thing or what?"

"Huh?"

Then Max noticed the enormous pile of wood towering in the middle of the clearing. A perfectly unlit bonfire.

"But before that; I have some presents for you four!" David chimed happily. He motioned for Space Kid, Neil-Crow, Nikki-beast, and Max towards him.

He turned to Neil first. "Neil the Scarecrow, for your brains, wits, and bravery, the land of Oz has decided to give you; this!" He held out a piece of paper to the recipient. Neil's eyes bugged out as he read the title and whizzed through the text.

"What is it? What is it?!" Nikki screeched excitedly.

"T-the University of Oz has accepted me- _me_ \- as a scholar student!" He cried. "They want me to start next month! I get my own room and boarding! My own choice of study! Even my very own lab space! Oh, God, I'm so happy!" He broke down in happy tears, hugging the paper to his chest.

David grinned and turned to the dismembered Space Kid bits, "For you, Space Kid!"

He held out a smaller brochure packet which the younger anatomical nightmare took eagerly. "Gasp! It's an all-expense-paid training camp for future space explorers complete with a-" He inhaled so much that Max would've sworn his lungs (if he had any) would've burst.

"A REAL TRIP INTO SPAAAAACE!" Space Kid screamed excitedly. His face bits went crazy inside their little enclosure as he did practical cartwheels around the clearing from sheer delight.

"And, of course, Nikki!" David continued down the line.

"Ooooh! What's for me? A potion of instant coolness? Superpowers? *Gasp* A wooly mammoth?!"

"Er, no." David replied, holding out his hands as a pair of sunglasses manifested in his palm. He held them out to a confused Nikki.

"Uh…"

"Well, go ahead, try 'em on!"

She did, glancing around the clearing.

Her eyes landed on Erid, who took one look at her. Smiled. And gave a thumbs-up.

"Cool."

Nikki's face immediately broke into a grin so huge it looked like she was about to explode from sheer joy.

…

…

"What about Max?" Space Kid asked finally. The others refocused their attention on the small human and murmured in agreement. David's smile fell from his face.

"Look, Max, I-"

"Save it, Witch-man." Max replied. "I get it, you don't have anything up your sleeve for me."

"… Sorry, I don't." David admitted quietly. "I know you want to go home, but I just don't have that kind of power to make it happen."

"It's fine. It was a shithole of a world anyway." Max grumbled.

"No, it's not fine." David asserted. "Max, I know you don't like it here or there, but I wanted to offer something to you, instead."

"What?"

David wordlessly gestured around him, "Us! We know we're not your normal home and friends, but we want to be here for you anyways!"

Max followed the older Warlock's arms around the clearing. The collection of familiar doppelgangers fading into phantoms of the people back at Camp Campbell. Against his will, it almost made him smile.

"So, here's the thing. You let Oz be your home for a while and we'll help you find Earth again."

"What? How?" Max exclaimed.

"Well, Campbell figured it out. I'm sure we can crack it no-sweat!" David replied cheerfully.

Gwen walked up beside him, "He's right, you know. Now that we have an idea what to look for, it's not out of the question that you might be able to get back to your world again."

Nikki gasped excitedly, "Yeah! And if you can figure that out like Campbell did, you can come back and visit whenever you want!"

This brought the entire mood of the clearing up significantly. Around him, everyone started jabbering excitedly about the prospect.

Max made sure everyone wasn't looking- when he finally gave in to a quick, small smile.

"So, Max, what do you say?" David asked. Again, all attention returned to the human boy.

…

"Eh, sure, whatever." Max muttered neutrally.

The entire clearing exploded in more cheers and the jabbering continued. Before David got away, Max grabbed his dress- I mean, robe. "Hey, David?"

"Yes, Max?"

"I had one last question that's been bothering me." David gestured for him to continue, "You kept saying Daniel wanted my hoodie for something and that it was what kept his power away from me. But when I tried giving it up, he started acting weird."

"Oh, no! You almost gave up your Hood-Dee?" David exclaimed, "Did it get damaged? Here, let me see it." He held out his hand expectantly.

Max raised an eyebrow, but unzipped his hoodie in one fluid motion and put it in David's hand. The Warlock looked at it confused.

"Um, Max? This is- nevermind." David reached into one of the hoodie's pockets before pulling out a small book. "Ah-ha! Safe and sound!"

"What?! How the Hell did that fit in there?!" Max shouted, surprised. He fit crazy stuff in those things, Mr. Honeynuts for one, an entire wine bottle one time for another, but he definitely would've noticed an entire freaking _book_ in his pockets.

"What do you mean? This is your Hood-Dee!" David replied, holding up the book.

"What? No!" Max grabbed the jacket itself, pointing to it. " _This_ is a hoodie. Hood-ee. As in hooded-jacket."

"Oh, really? Then what's this called?" David puzzled, looking at the object.

"A book?"

"No, I know that, but it's filled with- just take a look." David opened the pages and revealed-

Photographs.

"Huh?"

Max and the other campers boredly standing in front of the Mess Hall with David and Gwen at the sides.

Max, Nikki, and Neil grinning like lunatics with him smirking mischievously, scuffed with dirt and the remains of chaos behind them from their first-ever escape attempt just a few weeks ago with the QM's schoolbus.

Gwen snoring upside-down with an inappropriate magazine covering half her face.

The entire camp in those stupid "Indian" costumes around the enormous bonfire with David still bandaged up, but looking so happy.

Nerris play-fighting with Harrison using dice and string for 'spells'.

That time they all had to go into the local shelter until the volcano stopped erupting.

The time they won the camporee.

The hatching of the short-lived baby platypus.

And, finally, a picture of Max, David, and Gwen with a steaming pizza in front of them at Sleepy Peak Pizza Bros.

…

"Wh-where did these come from?" Max could only think.

"Well, I've never really seen images like these, but whatever they are, they saved you from Daniel's mind-powers by keeping you tethered to them, so they must have some pretty great memories for you!"

Max would sooner kill himself than admit to any variant of David that he made (even subconsciously) 'happy' memories at camp.

"They're called 'photographs', asshat. And the book is called a 'photo album'."

"Well, sorry, but you told us earlier they were called Hood-Dee."

"That's because Daniel was pointing at it and-"

Gwen stepped in, putting a hand on David's shoulder, "Hey, hey, let it go, guys. Yeah there was some miscommunication earlier, but it all worked out, didn't it?"

Max huffed while David beamed. Even Gwen gave a small smile, "I told you it'd make sense later, kid."

"Yeah, but how'd you get these things in the first place," Max pressed, "Do you people have some stalker that takes pictures of random kids and leaves them when they're unconscious? 'Cause if you do, that's some seriously f*cked up shit. Like, Offender-List level shit."

"Nope!" David replied, "We don't know where they came from as much as you do."

"Best not to think about it too much," Gwen offered, returning to a spot in the clearing.

Looking around the clearing, it was obvious even without the huge festival a few blocks over, everyone was having a good time. Nikki, Neil, and Space Kid were more than happy to talk about their gifts to anyone who would listen. A couple had even started prepping something that looked like a purple marshmallow on sticks.

"Hey, Max?"

He looked up to see David holding a tiny bow and arrow. The arrow was tipped with a red dust-like material that glowed faintly.

"There's one more thing we need to do. Would you like the honors?"

…

Max took the bow only because it was cool to shoot a magical flaming arrow. That was it. Nothing to do with David asking.

Anyways, he shot the arrow right into the bonfire and, miraculously, it hit the center and caused the entire structure to erupt in crackling flames. Gasps and 'ooh's swept across the clearing as those around were drawn to the beautifully destructive fire blazing high.

The doppelgangers roasted their purple-mallows and enjoyed tossing bits of leaves or sticks in to watch them curl up and burn. Others were content to stare at the flames and talk.

Still, Max wondered-

If his wish didn't 'count' exactly…

"Uh… Hey, David?" He asked.

"Yes, Max?" David leaned down as Max cupped a hand between them and whispered something into the older man's ear. David nodded every few seconds.

At length, Max pulled back and David stood up in his 'thinking' pose. He snapped his fingers, "You got it!"

He pulled out his wand and sent a quick zap of yellow light at Max. The occupants of the clearing were drawn to the sudden flash and watched the pair.

Then the human yelped briefly and fiddled with his jeans. Then, a long, black monkey tail snaked out and hovered beside him.

Max picked up a stick and held it up, watching as he willed the tail to grasp it.

"SWEET!" He shouted laughing.

David watched the kid join the rest and show off the new tail. Nikki-beast was already challenging him to climbing trees with the new appendage and Max learned very quickly to not turn his back on Space Kid or risk having the (as it turns out, sensitive) new addition being pulled by the well-meaning space-enthusiast.

"Hey," David turned to see Gwen walk up to him. "Why'd you give him two wishes?"

The Warlock shrugged, "Well he brought up a good point. His first wish wasn't exactly granted and I figured 'what the Hell'."

The Witch-of-the-East's eyes widened hearing the Good Warlock swear for the first time since… _ever_ , but couldn't help agreeing as she saw the kids enjoying themselves.

* * *

Hours went by and the evening drew into night. The energy of the initial bonfire had calmed to contented fire-watching as the bonfire seemed to keep going without burning up any wood.

"He-hem."

The group turned to look at Gwen who stood beside the QuarterMaster lookalike (?) that had replaced his hook-hand with a guitar pick.

The QM picked up a guitar from who-knows-where and strummed a bright note as Gwen sang.

" _There's a place I know that's tucked away-_ " For once, Max wasn't ready to kill himself for hearing that stupid song.

" _A place where you and I can stay,_

 _Where we can go to laugh and play,_

 _And have adventures everyday."_

Max glanced around, seeing the familiar faces around him lit with the fire's glow and listening intently to Gwen's song.

" _I know it sounds hard to believe,_

 _But guys and gals, it's true_."

"Woah." Max whispered.

Only David seemed to catch it, "What's wrong, Max?"

The kid-with-the-tail shook his head, "Nah, it's nothing, just the weirdest sense of Déjà vu."

"What makes you say that?"

"Something like this happened back in my world, too. The fire, the song, Gwen, just before-"

*BOOM!*

The campfire exploded, pushing Max backwards in what seemed like slow-motion.

He waited for the painful impact with the ground, but it didn't happen. He fell _through_ the ground, looking up and seeing everyone's faces smiling at him as he fell through an inky, black void in the ground. They weren't panicked, not worried, just… smiling.

The clearing, the faces, the Land of Oz all faded away in blackness.

Only a voice echoed with the continued strum of a guitar.

" _Camp Campbell is the place for me and you~."_

* * *

 **AN: Yep.**

 **Time to wrap things up.**

 **As Gwen said all the way back in the first few chapters; the Hoo-Dee thing would make more sense later. In my defense, Max's only really distinguishable article of clothing is the blue hoodie and I can't imagine him in sequined ruby slippers so... ambiguous plot-twist somewhat-deus-ex-machina to the rescue!**

 **Gonna be honest, that monkey tail was initially just a reference to Sun Wukong from RWBY, but it just became like a wish-fulfillment thing. It made me smile, so there.**


	17. Chapter 17

**AN: Short, but the last chapter. It's been fun!  
**

 **Sorry it took so long between uploads, but you'll see why there's a double-update today!**

 **-Crow**

* * *

…

…x

"-ax?"

"He's… -ing up…"

"Max? Can you hear us, Max?"

The kid in question groaned as his senses returned to him. He opened his eyes and saw blurred images of people crowding around him. "Wha-?"

"Take it easy, Max, okay? You hit your head pretty hard-."

"OHMYGOSH! IS HE OKAY?! DID HIS BRAINS BURST OUT LIKE ROTTEN ORANGE?! IS HE GONNA NEED EXPERIMENTAL SURGERY?! NEIL, GET THE FRANKENSTEIN-SET FROM PRESTON'S PLAY, A PICKLE JAR, AND PEANUT BUTTER! _LOTS_ OF PEANUT BUTTER!"

"NIKKI, I TOLD YOU TO WAIT OUTSIDE!" Gwen's voice shouted back.

Max winced at the volume and he heard David hush the others as he blinked rapidly to regain focus. He was in a log cabin… not a chartreuse building or some forest clearing or (god forbid) a 'salmon-pink' hospital wing. He could see a familiar floof of red hair before-

"Max?!"

Nikki- definitely _human_ Nikki- sprang into his field of vision, blocking everything else. "Are you alive? Are you a zombie? How many fingers am I holding up?"

She slammed her palms into his eyes and Max couldn't make out a single digit with her jamming her palms in his cornea. He sighed.

"Eleventy-f*cking-twelve." He snarked.

"OH, GOD! HE LOST HIS MIND!" Nikki wailed dramatically, falling to the side. David shook his head as he rummaged through a red first-aid kit by his side.

Max winced as another brief stab of pain hit his head and he reached up to feel a crown of bandages tightly circling around his forehead.

He barely could process what was happening before David started shining a light in his eyes and using the various tools to check over his head and reflexes. After a second, he spoke, "Well, it doesn't seem like you have a concussion, but we should keep an eye on you. You did black out, after all."

"Waitwaitwait, what happened? Is this from that tornado?" Max interrupted.

"Tornado?" David asked, glancing at Gwen, "What tornado?"

"' _What tornado'_? The f*cking tornado that tore a hole through the entire f*cking camp. The tornado that ripped out the f*cking Mess Hall? The tornado that demolished… the… cabins…" He trailed off as he found the loophole in his thought process. Namely, that he was laying _inside_ one of the supposedly destroyed cabins.

David smiled brightly, "Well Max, you'll be happy to know that Camp Campbell is still in tip-top shape! All buildings are accounted-for and intact."

"Wait! B-but I- What happened?!" Max was getting a headache trying to figure it out.

David looked away hesitantly, "Welllllllll…"

* * *

 _"Behold, as I, Harrison the Amazing perform a feat never-before seen!" The junior magician announced from the shared Camp Stage. "I will need a volunteer from the audience!"_

 _"10 bucks says he tanks it." Nikki whispered to Neil._

 _"Yeah, no bet." Max replied, leaning back on his stump seat._

 _"No volunteers?" Harrison blatantly ignored Space Kid's eager wide-eyed hand-waving, preferring instead to stick to a pre-planned routine. "Then, I shall allow magic itself to choose!"_

 _The audience of campers (and David and Gwen) watched with baited breath (and Gwen with an emergency fire extinguisher) as Harrison put his fingers to his head in concentration._

 _"Oh, great powers bestowed upon me! I ask that you find a suitable candidate!"_

 _They shuffled as the choosing sequence became long and drawn out. Max huffed and felt around his seat, just in case._

 _His hand brushed something that felt like a rocket-_

 _"Bwaaaah!"_

 _"We have our volunteer!"_

 _The audience turned and saw David shrieking as a small sparkler set erupted around his seat. As part of it, they gave light applause at the spectacle. David grinned and made to get up._

 _"No! No! Wait! Not while the rockets are-" Harrison tried, but it was too late._

 _The firework rockets attached to David's seat were still going and, without the adult's weight on top, launched the lawnchair across the clearing. It banged into several props and camp-tivities like a pinball before whizzing its way back into the audience area._

 _"Max look out!"_

 _Max belatedly realized the rocket-powered chair was aimed right for him. He felt it punch him in the gut and scoop his tiny body weight up. The chair dipped wildly with the addition, but didn't slow down. He yelled in alarm as the chair dipped lower and lower-_

 _*thwap!*_

 _The lowered tip of the chair caught a rock in the ground._

 _The chair launched Max out of it and straight into Space Camp. He caught the wires of one of Space Kid's homemade G-Force machines (read "crappy swing-set"). He spun around and the world blurred into a mix of colors. Then, one of the cables snapped and he was hurtled into a parabolic arc-_

 _Straight at Preston's props._

 _He tried raising his arms in time, but his head was going straight for the wooden backdrops of-_

 _*crack!*_

 _And it all…_

 _Faded…_

 _To… black…_

* * *

 _"MAAAAAAX! Max are you alright?!"_

 _"Oh, Jesus Christ! I'm so getting fired for this!"_

 _"I found him! He's out cold! Oh my God, I see blood!"_

 _"Help me move him!"_

* * *

"…"

"It's honestly a miracle you got off as light as you did," Gwen offered.

Max shook his head (painfully, he realized) and glared, "I oughta sue the shit out of this place."

He huffed as Gwen and David exchanged nervous glances at each other. "Fine, at least I'm alive, so that's something I guess. Just tell me; there was no tornado?"

"Nope."

"A-and Campbell hasn't… shown up, right?"

"Uh, as far as we know he's still in Super Guantanamo," David replied, a little sadly.

Max sighed in relief, "…And Daniel's still…"

"Oh, poor Daniel, he's still at Sleepy Peak General. They said he's healed fine physically (aside from something about milk), but they said he needed therapy for something in the mental ward. Gosh, I had no idea, but I'm sure glad he got the help he needed." David gushed.

The boy groaned, face-palming, "You're an idiot, David." He looked up, "So… I've been here this entire time?"

"From when we picked you out of Preston's stuff to here. You've been out for an hour." Gwen answered.

"Thank f*cking God," Max groaned, easing back into his pillow. "I'm not sure if I can deal with a place like _that_ existing in real life."

"Must've been one f*cked up dream, huh?" Gwen assured him.

A dream?

It seemed so vividly real, though a lot didn't exactly make sense. For one, how did he swap narrative and know what Dark Lord Daniel was doing when he was miles way? For another, how could he walk for miles on-end and the day end only at the bonfire?

It wasn't real.

A part of him was glad. It meant that there was no feasible way in this universe that _two_ Davids could ever co-exist.

On the other hand…

…

He discretely wiggled his butt.

Yep.

The tail was gone. Dammit. Well, it was fun while it lasted. Even if it was never real in the first place.

Gwen stood up from the chair against the wall, "C'mon, David, let's let him get some rest."

"You're right, Gwen." David sighed. "But he'll miss today's camp activity."

Max brightened. Maybe there was a bright side to this whole nearly-concussed thing.

"Oh, I know!" He exclaimed, "I'll rearrange the schedule and include Max in some of them! He can't participate in some of the more strenuous activities for a while, but by golly he can still have a great time here at Camp Campbell! I can even arrange some specialty camp activities just for you while you recover right here!"

"Go to Hell, camp-man!"

David smiled calmly and got up with Gwen to leave Max to the peaceful quiet of the medical cabin. He could hear his fellow campers cheering at what was likely news of him waking up.

Max waited a few minutes until the chaos sounded far enough away before hopping out of the bed. He had to steady himself against the bedpost while his head swam a little, but he felt confident enough to move around.

* * *

He exited the cabin and scurried over towards the Mess Hall, where he could hear David excitedly telling everyone the news that he woke up and the plan since he'd be 'out of commission' for a while.

Max snorted. He didn't care as long as he wasn't dragged into another one of the shitty camp-tivities.

He watched the crowd disperse, content to go through their day.

He sighed as he watched David and Gwen slowly ambling in the direction of the cabins. He'd bet he had two minutes tops before they caught wind of him leaving.

In the meantime…

…

He let out another sigh, but this one less… exasperated.

…

…

 _"Hmm-hm-hm-hm-hm-hm-hm-hm…"_ He hummed a familiar tune oh-so-quietly under his breath. Stupid, f*cking song was stuck in his head. It didn't even happen in real life and he's still plagued by it. Stupid concussion probably makes sure he can't get it out.

He looked around. Neil (the _real_ Neil) was busy looking through medical books. Probably researching into a frenzy over how to help Max recover. Nikki (the _real_ Nikki) was bouncing around from the trees. Almost like the human version was the disguise for the chimera version.

Nerris and Harrison were up to their usual arguments.

Nurf was picking on Space Kid who obliviously grinned at the 'upside-down gravity-reversal simulation' or whatever he'd think being picked-up by the ankle could possibly be.

Quartermaster walked by with a suspicious mopping bucket in hand labeled "Witch Gunk" on the side, stepping into his little shed with a distrusting huff at those around him.

In the distance, he heard Gwen roar his name in anger and David crying out in panic.

He snorted, hands in his pockets as he sauntered his way back to the cabins, singing quietly;

…

" _Camp Campbell is the place for me and… you~."_

* * *

 **AN: And now, I'd like to close this with a quote from a noble soul involved in the making of Camp Camp.**

 **"WHY IS THERE A PUMA HERE!? IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE GEOGRAPHICALLY!" -Miles Luna, 10 Little Roosters (Episode 7)**

* * *

 **AN: Okay, that concludes our little 'fluffy' ending. Thank you all for reading.  
**

 **By the way, the next chapter isn't technically 'canon' but isn't actually _not_ canon either. They're alternate endings I thought over, but didn't have the heart to leave out completely. So please enjoy!  
**

 **-Crow**

* * *

P.S. Here are some of the cameos, inspirations, and fandom references I snuck in throughout the series. I don't think I even caught them all myself! How many did you spot?

-Red vs. Blue moment; Puma v. Warthog

-Phineas and Ferb; Where's Perry?

-Lilliputs: after the land of the Lilliputians from Gulliver's Travels

-RWBY; Ozpin and Beacon and the Grimmlands

-RWBY; badass Monkey Tail

-Over the Garden Wall; subtle; Into the Unknown

-Portal; Neil's song

-2001 Space Odyssey; Space Kid

-Cthulhu; Eldritch God of Madness and Destruction courtesy of H.P. Lovecraft

-Markiplier; Mark, the King of the Squirrels

-Billy's monologue; Totally Zuko from Avatar with subtle references to the Water Tribes, the Air Temples, the Fire Nation, and the Earth Kingdom

-Billy being taken; Metal Gear Solid reference

-Red Dust Arrow; RWBY inspired

Admittedly, the first time wishing for the Monkey Tail was purely because Max is voiced by Michael Jones who voiced Sun Wu Kong, the monkey faunus, in RWBY, but at the end it was kind of a last-minute add-in that I smiled at and decided to keep.


	18. Chapter 18

**AN: And here are some extras. It started with indecision on how to end this series and spawned into some 'why not' optional endings. None of them are canon to the fic (unless you want them to be), but some of them accidentally strung themselves together as I wrote them. Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Life is but a Dream**

Max shuffled away from the bed towards his hoodie that Gwen or David had left hanging on a chair. He winced as bruises made themselves known while he pulled the blue hoodie on.

*crinkle*

He blinked as something made a noise in his pocket. Reaching in, he pulled out a small, folded piece of stiff paper.

He frowned as he unfolded it and turned it to the image.

…

…

His concussion must be still messing with his eyes. He rubbed at them furiously, blinking away the slight headache behind his temple and stared back to the picture.

…

…

Nope.

Definitely not. Not at all!

Not. At. All.

…

He heard footsteps approaching and deftly tucked it into his hoodie pocket again.

As he stood, poker-face in place in the (angry) face of Gwen scolding him for getting out of bed ("You're concussed, Max! Like, 80% of my hospital dramas say it's a bad idea to move.").

His mind was a million miles away.

Or… really just as far as his left-hoodie pocket.

Because there was _definitely_ not a photo of him with a long, black monkey tail snaking from his jeans next to a pink-wearing David-warlock in front of a ruby-colored magical-arrow-lit fire with a multitude of others including Nikki-Beast, Neil-Crow, and Terror-from-Space Kid.

...

He numbly let Gwen lead him back into the bed, thankfully without taking off his hoodie. She walked out giving one last 'I'm-watching-you' sign with her fingers.

Max let his eyes droop shut.

They fluttered back open.

An excited cat/hog/dog was bounding over from a treeline.

"MAX! C'mon, race ya to the treetop!"

His tail twitched behind him as he chased after.

* * *

 **Down the Rabbit Hole**

Max blinked confusedly as he awoke.

He was in some kind of… parlor room?

He was laid out on some kind of fancy-ass sofa and from his position, he could see a couple plushy chairs set up around a table across the room with a huge spread of fancy, British-type food. Like, cucumber sandwiches, cookies, tiny cakes, and shit.

And for some f*cking reason; an entire, f*cking _huge_ -ass ham almost buried in under a mountain of (he could smell it from there) ground black pepper.

What. The. F*ck?

He glanced down-

"The F*CK?"

Who the f*ck put him in some goddamn powder-blue _dress_!?

Oh, God, was he wearing a _girdle_?!

"Stranger! You're awake!"

He blinked up at the people in front of him.

…

He swore to f*cking God, his brain would melt out his ears by now.

A familiar, red-head was standing worriedly over him with an enormous, lime-green tophat and a cup of tea. Beside him, a moody, Latina co-buddy-for-life was in some poofy dress covered in hearts with her patented 'resting bitch-face' in full effect.

"Hiyastrangergollywhat'syournameimmaharedidyouknowidrinktoomuchcaffeine?!"*

A face bounded in front of him. A green-haired girl with a manic gleam in her buzzing eyes waved her hands in his face, showing off the tattered remains of a suit a couple sizes too large for her. Her head sprouted two, crooked green bunny ears.

Beside her, a pale, lanky boy in an immaculate blue waistcoat getup fretted with a pocketwatch. "Oh, dear, stranger you really came at a most inopportune time." His own, straight white rabbit-ears twitched nervously with the ticking watch.

Out of one nightmare and right into another.

"God. F*cking. Dammit."

"Stranger! Language!"

"Suck it, Camp-Man! You too, heart-bitch!"

"OFF WITH THAT LITTLE SHIT'S HEAD!"

"Now, now. I'm sure we can calm down after some lovely tea."

"I'd rather have the f*cking beheading, camp-man."

"WOOO! Blood-sport!"

"Nikki, NO!"

 _[*"Hiya stranger golly what's your name i'mma hare did you know I drink too much caffeine?"]_

* * *

 **Through the Looking Glass**

Max woke with a gasp.

He took stock of the room around him. Through the bleariness of a pounding headache, he could see familiar characters surrounding him.

"Goddammit! You already beheaded me, bitch, what f*cked-up thing did you do now?!" He roared, pointing at the blurry Latina at his bedside.

"Uh, Max? That was a dream, kid," reassured a soft, but confused voice.

The camper blinked hard and squinted as the room came back into focus. The Queen of Resting-Bitch-Face wasn't at his bedside. It was Gwen. Like, normal, smut-fanfic writing, God-I-Hate-This-Job, master of Resting-Bitch-Face Gwen.

He was back in the cabins of Camp Campbell.

Last he remembered from his extremely weird 'dream', he'd gotten all the way to the Heart Kingdom castle, stood trial for some f*cking reason, escaped, slayed some jabber-wookie or something, and was put on the chopping block by the ungrateful Queen for doing it _on the wrong f*cking day_! How was he supposed to know it wasn't some "Fantabulous Day" or some shit.

Didn't know fighting for your life had to follow a strict schedule. The white-rabbit Neil would probably argue otherwise in the weird circular logic rambling he did.

Anyways, his last memory was an executioner's axe being raised over his head and then the entire f*cking wall of the castle is broken down by David the Hatter, an excitable March-Nikki-Hare, and Neil-rabbit clinging to some kind of huge, f*cking bird. Behind them Nerris the Cute (some mystic or some shit they met in this racist origami ant place) had a spell ready and raring.

Just as the axe started speeding down towards his neck, the spell shot straight at him, he felt his world invert like he was being pulled through a straw-

-and then he woke up.

Max numbly listened to Gwen and David explain how Harrison's Magic Show went wrong (no f*cking surprise) and he was out of it for all afternoon. They did a few more first and second-aid checkups before they left to handle the rest of the campers.

Max slid out of bed and shuffled on his clothes. Gwen explicitly told him to stay in bed and not run around, given a possible concussion, so he naturally left the medical cabin hands-in-pockets.

Glancing around, he still felt a little… disconnected with everything. In the distance he could make out the general Activities area and everyone hanging out at their shitty, hobbled-together stations doing their thing. It was maybe a couple dozen yards away from the cabins, but it felt further.

He made his way to the indoor-outhouse of the camp bathrooms. It was grimy, grungy, and as everyone agreed, had seriously subpar indoor plumbing. Like he said; indoor-outhouse. Still, it had probably the only mirror in camp not used up at Preston's area and he felt like his brain would probably burst out of his skull if he heard the loud thespian's voice right now.

He poked at the circle of bandages keeping a pad of gauze pressed up to his head.

Turning on the faucet, he put his hands under the stream to splash some cold water on his face, helping to wash away any leftover bleariness.

*FWOOSH!*

"AH, WHAT THE F*CK!"

He quickly pulled his hand back as the faucet decided 'you know what; f*ck this kid' and blasted boiling hot water while his hands were still under the stream for more water. He held them up, experimentally squeezing his fingers together. A little scalded, but not bad.

On the other hand, the mirror fogged up like crazy.

Angrily, he twisted the scorching metal faucet handle with a nearby (grungy) towel and choked the malicious faucet's stream.

He hopped on the porcelain sink and used his hoodie sleeve to wipe away the misty cover to the mirror-

"HIYA MAX!"/"JESUS!"

He scrambled back and landed painfully on the floor when a face appeared in the small circle in the fog.

It had a familiar snout, tusks, and floofy sea green hair.

"C'mon! Time's a-wastin' and Warlock David can't hold this up forever!"

She pulled away and the remaining steam evaporated from the mirror's surface as the glass seemed to liquefy and ripple.

Max stood dumbstruck.

…

*slap!*

"Nope, still real!" He exclaimed to himself, rubbing a hand over the cheek he just slapped.

The mirror was still a rippling mess in front of him.

He could hear Nikki-Beast and Space Kid calling for him.

His tail twitched to mirror his thoughts.

The bathroom grunge was still ever-present.

His bandages were-

…

Like moving a phantom limb, his long, black tail snaked in front of him.

…

" _Max, c'mon! What are you waiting for?!_ "

…

"Eh, fuck it."

And he jumped through the looking glass.

* * *

 **We're Off to See the Wizard**

Max woke with a start.

He sat up suddenly, taking inventory of his surroundings. It was some kind of house, but both more and less advanced than Camp. It was modern in that 'minimalist' shit kind of way. Barely a couple sofas in a meeting area, a table, a kitchen area, and some cube-looking electric lamps hung from the ceilings with a staircase leading to an upper level. It was cozy, in a way. Except it was really hot and humid, with a heavy, earthy smell permeating the room to compete with potted orchids set nearby.

He sat up from the lounge couch he was laid out on and noticed the balcony through a few of those Asian sliding-door things.

Pushing them aside, he blinked in shock at what was outside the balcony around him. Lush, green mountains surrounded what looked like a small city that was pretty much built right into the sides of a mountain of its own. Stormy-looking clouds billowed from above with stray low-lying ones actually passing through the city itself like a fog bank.

The buildings were all white with distinctly Asian accents set in cobbled roads. The roofs were slanted and curvy pagoda-styles, but with metal embellishments and additions that made it feel a lot more modern.

Well, if the literal _flying ships_ occasionally buzzing to and from the city were any indicator, it was probably either the future or some f*cking parallel universe.

In which case- shit.

"Max?"

He turned around to see a girl walking towards him in something straight from a Renaissance Fair. A black skirt, black corset, and a billowing red cloak with a silver emblem pinned to it.

He was immediately drawn to her unusual, silver eyes.

"Eh, Max? You okay?"

"Who are you?"

"…"

"…"

"UNCLE QROW!"

Beside them, the sounds of multiple things breaking and stumbling were heard as a man broke through the doors to the balcony.

"RUBY! What is it?!" He landed in a battle stance and pulled out a GIANT F*CKING SWORD!

"Max lost his memory!"

"…"

"…"

"… kid?" He sighed, putting away the sword to his back, "don't scare us like that right now, 'kay? We're already on high alert and I'm not too happy with Lionheart dragging his feet."

"But I'm not-"

"Hey, guys, what's going on?!" A bubbly voice called out.

Max turned towards the entrance (read; hole in the wall sword-guy made) as three other figures walked in. A blond guy in white and bronze armor with a sword (seriously, what's with the swords?!), a girl with bright orange hair and a pink dress who just spoke, and a… girl (?) with a green tunic, long black hair and a magenta streak on one side.

"Max lost his memory and now we're never gonna do whatever Ozpin was talking about and then the Grimm will take over the world and we'll be-"

"Ruby! Ruby, slow down," the blonde said, taking her shoulders.

"I agree," The GUY (!?) with the pink stripe added in a deep voice. "Let's not jump to conclusions-"

"The f*ck are you people?" Max snarked.

The tone shifted to silence as eyes returned to him.

"Who are you people? Why the f*ck do you have f*cking _swords_? Are you a girl or a dude? Where am I? And What the F*CK IS GOING ON?!"

He panted as he finally finished, the rest of the group was in stunned silence… and a fair amount of dread.

" _I believe, as the kids say these days; 'Well, shit'._ "

"AND WHO THE F*CK IS IN MY HEAD?!"

* * *

 **You Ever Wonder Why We're Here?**

Max suddenly woke up.

He was standing, which was weird.

He was tall, which was weird.

He was in a f*cking orange _battle armor_ , which was weird.

And he was on the edge of a huge-ass metal compound in the middle of what looked like a poorly-rendered video game box canyon arena.

He noticed a guy next to him in similar armor, just red.

"Hey, you ever wonder why we're here?"

* * *

 **Monkey See; Monkey Do-What-Now?**

Max woke up with a jolt.

Something wasn't right.

He couldn't put his finger on it, but something… was…

He stared down at his hand.

Specifically, the arm it was attached to.

The absolutely _jacked_ arm it was attached to.

He scrambled out of bed, barely realizing the cramped space he woke up in that had three other beds with figures slumped in them shuffling into action with the morning out the window. A side-door revealed a bathroom and he barreled his way inside for the mirror.

…

He raised a hand to his face and gently poked his cheekbone. The figure in the mirror copied it.

Ho-ly shit.

His dark skin was almost white, but sunkissed several shades darker. His curly black hair was gone, replaced with sweeping, messy blonde. The tail he remembered leaving Oz with was now blonde to match his hair and swept around like it had a mind of its own. He was at least late-teens now.

But most of all.

 _He was absolutely f*cking shredded_.

Seriously! Abs for days!

"Uh, Sun?"

"Huh?" Max turned around to see a handsome guy with blue (Oh, God, was it _naturally blue?!_ ) hair rubbing sleep from his eyes.

"You okay? Bad dream or something?"

"… yeah… sure…" Oh, thank God, his voice was still the same, just deeper. Manlier.

Nice.

"Uh, well, Sage and Scarlet are getting ready for the combat area. You wanna tag along?" Max glanced behind him at the two figures shuffling their boots and… _weapons_ on?!

"Oh, and I polished up your staff, for ya," Neptune scowled playfully as he tossed it at him. It lightly thwacked his head, "Yeah, yeah, laugh it up, you won the bet, but how was I supposed to know she was… y'know… batting for the other team when I started flirting?"

Max didn't know what to say and just let the guy take it as he would, laughing and walking out the bathroom door.

Max stared down at the weapon in his hands. An actual _weapon_! He found a clasp on the side that he pressed and the staff split into a pair of f*cking _nunchucks_ and… oh, shit _no way_!

He twirled them around with some kind of ingrained autopilot and hefted the two confirming they were guns!

Seriously! Guns!

"Sun, you coming? If we find that Winchester guy, we can beat his ass into the cement for that faunus slur he said yesterday. Be good to let off steam."

"Uh, yeah, be right there, man!" He replied, jogging to the front door.

Seriously, he hit the multiverse jackpot on this one!

Monkey tail. Check.

Drop-dead handsome. Check.

Pubescent legs. Check-at-f*cking-last.

Absolutely _ripped_! Check.

A universe where violence is not only accepted, but _encouraged_ to express his darker aggression issues. Check!

A staff weapon! Check!

Nunchuks! Check!

Nunchuk-guns?! Gun-chucks?! F*cking Gravy!

He felt his old-self's trademarked Evil Grin curl onto his new face as he cocked the guns and twirled them back into their staff form.

Yeah, he could get used to this.

* * *

 **AN: NOW this is the ending!**

 **It's been great everyone!**

 **This is Crow, signing off of this work.**

 **.**

 **Sincerely,**

 **~The Smiling Crow**

 **.**


End file.
